1 year after my blog went viral...

Last year at this time I said a prayer.  I had been having intense feelings that I needed to share my story with people, but I didn't really know how.  I had tried several different things, but nothing much ever materialized.  I prayed about these strong feelings for several years and I was out of ideas so I changed my prayer.  I asked Heavenly Father to show me the next step or to take the intense feelings and desire to share my story away.  I thought: Please let me feel peace that I've done all he wanted me to do.  

Three days later I was talking with a widow on a closed Facebook group.  She had been struggling and so I copied the link to my blog and hoped it would help her see that there is a way to happiness.  The next day I got a sweet email from a widow who had read my blog post.  She was a recently widowed and also pregnant. She expressed how great it was to read my story and realize she wasn't the only pregnant widow.  I felt great that it could help her.  I thought, "hmmm, I guess that is why I had the feeling to share my blog yesterday, so this sweet girl could find some peace."

Later that day Curtis started receiving a couple odd text messages from some out of state friends.  They asked if he knew that my blog was all over the internet.  He called me and told me to check the blogs messages.  I told him that was pointless because it didn't have any messages at all.  After explaining the text he had received  I went home and opened up my blog...it took 15 minutes to even remember how to log in!  When I finally opened it I was shocked and confused to see over 30 messages.  When I opened the stats it said 55,000 views!!! I had maybe 100 views before that and I'm sure they were mostly me;).  When I clicked the refresh button just a few seconds later it jumped over 500 more views and it continued to grow.  In just a couple days the blog was well over 500,000 views. I had thousands of messages come in from all over the world.  Messages of love, sympathy, hope, and thanks.  It was overwhelming and humbling.

This experience has been in many ways life changing. I never set out to be a blogger.  I just knew that I needed to share my story of trials and triumphs and show the world that through the atonement and with the love of our Heavenly Father we can find true happiness.  I have since spoken to numerous groups around the state of Utah and even traveled to Washington.  I have been able to feel like I am doing what the Lord wants me to do.  It has truly been a blessing to my life and also to my family's life.  I am so grateful for the outpouring of love and acceptance I feel through the blog and also through speaking.  It is awesome to see something good come from all the trials I have gone through!

The blog went viral just 10 days before the 10th anniversary of Jake's death.  As I approached that milestone I had thought about how tough the last 10 years had been.  I decided that I was ready for a new decade.  10 years that would bring more peace and joy into my life.  A decade full of service and doing the Lord's will in my life.  This last year has been a great start to that decade!

To read my original story click here.
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Beauty Revived...

A few months ago I was contacted by one of my very first girls that I served while in the Young Women's program for our church down in Castle Dale.  She has remained one of my favorites over the years.  Michelle was always bubbly and happy.  She would come over to my house for visits, and would even come by after she moved away to college.  Michelle's last visit in Castle Dale was the Sunday before Jake died.

When Michelle contacted me she told me about a new project she was starting.  I am Beauty Revived.  It is a website designed to highlight true beauty in girls and women.  Michelle is a photographer and had the brilliant idea of getting photographers to donate a session to worthy women.  Michelle would then highlight their stories and photo session on her website.  At this point she has over 30 photographers that have joined her and they have selected 50 women from Utah.  She hopes this will catch on with other states and many more photographers.  If you are a photographer that would like to participate you can find details here!

Michelle is an amazing person and I wasn't surprised at all when she told me of her grand plan.  I know she will continue to do marvelous things in her life.  Michelle was sweet enough to pick me as her Beauty Revived Model.  (This will be the only time my name is associated with model!!;)  Doing the photo shoot was fairly awkward for me, but I was really humbled by the opportunity.

So far there have been several women already featured.  Head over to Beauty Revived to check out all the different women!  There are some seriously awe-inspiring stories on there!  Also, Michelle's story was picked up by a local news station.  She was on KSL 5 last night at 6:30 and will be doing another spot today at 12:30.

Thanks Michelle for being a shining example to the world, by showing how much good there is to find all around us!  I am so proud of you for all you are doing, and you will always be one of my girls...no matter how old you are!

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List and Links to Blog Posts in 2014...

This is a list and the links of all my blog posts this year in the order they were written.


"My name is Julie"...originally posted Nov. 7, 2012 went viral Jan. 12, 2014

Who's the Boss? Our experience in talking back to OCD...

Our Pilot EARNED his Wings!

I built my Self-Worth upon the sand...

The Resurrection

Good News for Cam!

Finding Peace in Finding God's Will...

What Makes a Winning Season?!?

Dating and Marrying a Widow...

Don't Miss Out on the Beauty of Your Life...

The Sealing Issue...why marrying a widow is a matter of faith for me.

Willing to Submit to All Things the Lord Seeth Fit to Inflict Upon You...

Don't let the Good Things, Be the Hard Things...

Appreciation for Mother's Day...

Daddy Stories, and Daddy Bears...

Speaking in Lacey, WA

Happy Birthday Jake...he would be 40 years old!?!

Memorial Day Over The Last 10 Years...

Jordy Facing His Fears...

Love at First Sight...

Speaking in Lacey, WA

This weekend I flew up to Lacey, WA to be the speaker at their Stake Relief Society Women's Conference.  It was a lot of fun for me to do.  It definitely got me out of my comfort zone!  The ladies in the Stake RS Presidency took great care of me.  They picked me up from the airport and I stayed at Nancy's house (RS Pres.).  They treated me to dinner and were so sweet all weekend.  I met so many amazing women that have their own unique stories.

I have never traveled alone...I have gone as the only adult with kids, but never alone.  I don't like being alone!  I never have. (I know, I know...I have 10 kids and should relish in any moment alone!)  I just love to be around people...especially my family.  I really had a great time though.

A couple of my kids were sick last week and I was worried that I would get sick before I had to speak.  I prayed that I wouldn't get sick before, and that I would be able to speak and give the message that the Lord would have me give.  (I should have asked not to get sick at all;)

I spoke on Sat. afternoon and felt 100%.  I really felt great and it went really well.  I love speaking and sharing my story, my trials, my triumphs and most importantly my testimony.  After I spoke we had lunch and I visited with all the women.  Everyone had so many kind things to say to me.  What no one knows though, is that just 10 mins. after I talked with the last lady leaving the conference I got very sick.  I felt like I had been hit by a truck.  At first I thought maybe it was because of speaking.  I called Curtis and told him that it must have been extremely emotionally draining for me to speak, because I was feeling so awful.  After resting for a little while I thought maybe it was allergies to all the AMAZING flowers in WA.  By the end of the night however I realized that I had the same illness that my family had been passing around.

What a testimony builder for me to know that Heavenly Father allowed me to feel 100% for the speaking.  I had no clue how sick I was about to become!  I know without a doubt that I was blessed to feel good before and during the conference.  Sure, it would have been nice to not get sick at all...but that was not what I asked for.  I literally asked that I wouldn't be sick before and during the conference.  (I'll be sure to be more specific next time;)

It has been such a blessing to share my story with people.  I know that it is what Heavenly Father wants me to do.  It feels so healing for me to share and feel like others can learn from my experiences and feel the love their Savior has for them.

My family has been so supportive of me this last few months.  Curtis had all the kids to church on time at 8:30 am. and my teenager even dressed little Sis in a dress with a matching flower in her hair.  I love my family so much!


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Finding Peace in Finding God's Will...

Ten years ago I had a prayer that I offered very often. "Please bless Jake to be safe at work."  Usually, after that part of my prayer the words would come, "Please help me to accept Thy will in my life."  This prayer was offered several times a day.  I had a special blessing given to me in my youth, counseling me to 'learn to accept God's will in my life'.  I took that counsel very seriously then and still do to this day.  I continue to pray for it daily.  

In December of 2003 I began to have the feeling that something bad was going to happen to us.  Jake and I had many trials in our 7 years of marriage.  Looking back, they weren't too terrible of trials, but at the time they were hard for us to endure, and seemed to come frequently.  In December we had enjoyed 18 months of pure bliss; free from these trials.  We were in our dream house, had 3 perfect little boys and were truly very happy.  I developed a nagging feeling that something was bound to happen because things had been perfect a little too long.  I talked with Jake about my worried feelings.  He told me to stop looking for trials, and to enjoy that Heavenly Father was blessing us.  He pointed out that he was the Young Men's President and I was the Primary President and we were being blessed for living right and for our service.  I could see his point, but my bad feeling didn't go away.  I started praying about it regularly, asking Heavenly Father to bless us that nothing bad would happen.  Then one night my prayer was different.  As I thought about the impending trial, I heard myself say, "I can do this, I can get through this, with Thy help."  I was surprised by my words and immediately followed it up with, "Except Jake!  You can't take Jake from me please!"  Jake died 3 weeks later.  (Part of me still looks forward to saying to Jake, "I told you so!")

The words from that prayer stay with me today.  I knew...I believe that my spirit knew what was about to happen.  The words 'I can get through this with Thy help' remind me that I somehow knew Jake was going to die, and I knew I would need to rely on the Savior's atonement and my Heavenly Father to be able to get through it!  

So as I prayed for Jake's safety, I also prayed to accept God's will in my life.  I didn't realize how big of a trial was coming and why it was important for me to accept God's will in life.  When Jake died I understood why I was given that counsel and why it would be something that I should start praying for at a very young age.  I had 10+ years of prayers to back my plea..."Help me to accept Thy will in my life".  It is a prayer I will continue to have for the rest of my life. As the years have continued on, my desire to accept God's will has been increased.  I have realized that there is a purpose to what has happened to my children and myself.  There are lessons we need to learn and there is a plan for each one of us that required us to go through this devastating tragedy.  We are all different people than we would have been.  As my understanding of this has increased in the last 10 years, I have added to that prayer by asking, "Help me FIND Thy will in my life."

I have had a strong feeling that I should share my story and experiences in my life with people.  I have had many Priesthood Blessings given to me and they always say the same thing.  "It is important that you share your story, testimony and experiences with many people."  I have tried to be open about my experiences and I offer my testimony as often as I can.  About two years ago in 2012 just after Cam was diagnosed with 22q and all his other health issues I started having a quiet but intensely compelling feeling. "I felt like I should be doing something that I wasn't yet doing."  I needed to share my story.  I thought, pondered and prayed hard to figure out what it was that Heavenly Father wanted me to do.  I didn't know how to share my story more than I already was.  The timing wasn't right for me to really start doing more.  Cam had several tests and puzzles that would need to be put together in the next several months.  My baby girl was just 6 months old when the feelings started and she needed me home with her when I wasn't putting Cam's puzzle together.  But, the feeling persisted.  

I told a few people in our Stake that I would be willing to talk about my life experiences to a youth group or the Relief Society.  Shortly after I mentioned it the Presidencies were changed and nothing ever came of it.  I decided to just do what I could and continue to pray to be able to figure out what God's will in my life was.  Several months later my sister asked me to write my story for a girl's blog that she followed called My Name is Jacy.  She has a "My Name is"...series where she spotlights women who have had struggles in their lives, but have managed to be resilient and still be happy.  The blog series can by found at www.mynameisjacy.com. I was excited and nervous about writing my story.  I knew it was the next step I had been searching for.  The story was done in a 2 part series and was shared with over 6,000 viewers.  I was amazed at the response and how many people read it.  It was awesome.  I still had the feelings that there was more to what I should be doing, but it was nice to feel like I had found at least one way to share my story.  I put the story on my personal blog for Cam, for the purpose of being able to print it when I had Cam's blog made into a book.  There it sat dormant for the next 14 months.   

I continued to pray to be able to find God's will in my life.  I started to feel frustrated with the situation.  I felt that I had done all I could do to figure it out, but nothing was happening.  The feeling was overwhelming and at times it felt like a burden.  As I neared the 10th anniversary of Jake's death in January 2014, I asked Heavenly Father to allow the feeling to go away.  I expressed to Him that I felt I had done all I could do.  If there was nothing more for me to do then I needed Him to bless me with peace to know that I had accomplished what He needed me to do and I could move on.  Just three days after I offered that prayer there was a struggling widow on a closed Facebook LDS widow/widower's group.  I shared my blog post with her in the hopes it could help her find her path to happiness.  The next day we started receiving out of state text messages from friends and family asking us if we were aware that my blog was all over the internet.  We were not aware of it at all.  I couldn't even remember how to sign into my blog at first.  I hadn't updated it in over a year.  When I finally remember the password that Saturday night my post had over 45,000 views and was gaining 200-300 more views every 5 seconds.  The next day it reached 250,000 views and continued to climb.  I had hundreds of messages coming in from all over the world.  Amazing messages about love, acceptance, grief, inspiration, and testimonies.  The feeling was overwhelming, exciting, and very humbling.  My prayer was answered loud and clear...I am not done sharing my story and I haven't finished what Heavenly Father wants me to do.

In just 2 months the blog has reached all over the world and is over 600,000 views.  In February our local newspaper, Deseret News featured my story on the front page of The Mormon Times section.  I am starting to see the next steps I should take.  

I continue to pray that I will find God's will in my life and find people to help me accomplish this mission.  I was asked to speak for a widow's conference a couple of weeks ago.  I have thought about speaking for years but have had only a few opportunities to.  I decided that it would need to be a positive in my life if I was going to do it.  We still have a lot of stress and problems in our lives and I didn't want to willingly add stress.  I decided I would pray about it, but not really prepare for it.  I wasn't going to get all worked up and nervous and allow it to consume me.  I didn't want it taking time or energy from my kids or family.  I figured, I know my testimony and I know my story so I will literally go and teach by the spirit.  It will either be great, or terrible and from this experiment, I will know if speaking is something I want to do more of.  Luckily we had some step family drama come up the week of the conference.  I say 'luckily' because it took all my nerves and negative feelings and I truly didn't have the time to stress over speaking.  I think Heavenly Father knows me well, and knew that even if I tried to stick with my no-stress plan I wouldn't be able to.  So he added a nice distraction for me that would use up that energy. 

As I sat in the meeting just before it was my turn to speak I felt... relaxed.  I wasn't getting that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach like I normally do just before bearing my testimony or giving a lesson.  I just felt calm.  When it came time for me to speak I said a little prayer that I would have the spirit guide my words.  I stood up and spoke for nearly an hour.  I wasn't nervous or scared.  The words flowed from me freely and I felt a feeling of peace and calm.  It was a sacred experience.  Curtis was amazing and came to support me.  He added a fun element of being able to come up and talk with me about our courtship and God's hand in our lives.  It was the first time in the last 10 years that I KNEW I was doing exactly what Heavenly Father wanted me to do.  I LOVED speaking!  By sharing my story, I was giving hope and sharing how Heavenly Father has helped me through these trials.  I was sharing a testimony of the atonement and it's healing power.  I was sharing the lessons God has taught me so that He could teach them as well. 

I have been asked to speak for the Stake Relief Society Women's Conference in Lacey, Washington in May.  I am so excited to go and meet the sister's in Washington and feel of their spirits.  I look forward to having more opportunities to speak and share Heavenly Father's message of his love to us during times of trial.  This isn't a path or plan that I would have guessed that I would be on.  As I find myself here though, I feel a tremendous amount of love for my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.  I am in awe of the miracles and blessings I have received during my trials of faith.  I am thankful for all the things I have been taught in these last several years.  I am still trying to search and find God's will in my life.  With each new step I take I am finding great peace and comfort knowing that I am on the right path.  I am excited to see where these steps will take me, and I am so thankful to be even a small part of spreading Christ's love and light on this earth.  

My name is Julie and I have found peace accepting God's Will in my life.

I know that God has a plan for each one of us.  I encourage you to search for His Will in your life and be willing to submit yourself to His Will.  Submitting to His Will is not a passive thing as we are moral agents to act, and not to be acted upon. Have a true desire to accept what it is He is asking of you.  God has provided us a way through the atonement of Jesus Christ to be able to endure all of our trials.  I have a strong testimony and know that to be true.  With the hard things in our life many miraculous things come as well.  Look for your miracles and find joy and peace in YOUR unique path.  God loves you and believes in you.

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I built my Self-Worth upon the sand...

One of the first major lessons I learned after Jake died was a lesson in Self Worth.  

When I was a young girl and a teenager I had a terrible self-esteem.  I had a great family, great upbringing and very loving parents.  But, I still thought I was worthless and that no one liked me.  I judged every part of myself.  I hated my freckles and my skin.  My hair was "dishwater blonde"...why do people call it this or "dirty blonde"?!...those are not nice things to say to a young girl.  Especially when she has beautiful red headed sister's that got complimented everywhere we went. (No, I'm not jealous of their hair at all;)  I thought I was fat, and ugly, and the list went on and on.  I don't think I am alone in this issue.  I would dare say most young people struggle with their self image and self worth.  I know that not everyone does...because I have one son who was born with the best self esteem ever.  I take no credit for it as his Mother, he was born that way!  

The first experience I had that strengthened my testimony was in 8th grade.  I was sitting on my waterbed crying.  I was saying a prayer about how no one like me and I was being pretty harsh on myself.  I felt so alone and very sad.  I decided to try something I learned in Young Women's.  "If you ever need answers from your Heavenly Father, hold your scriptures and let them open on their own and then read the first scripture your eyes look at."  I wasn't sure it would work, but I tried it.  I said a quick prayer that I would find something in the scriptures that would help me feel better.  I held them on my lap and let them fall open.  I read the first scripture that I saw.

D&C 18:10   Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;

My eyes filled with tears and I started to cry.  I never expected to have such an amazing instant answer to prayer.  I was filled with a sense of love and peace, knowing that my Heavenly Father loved me.  He loved me enough to answer my prayer and also enough to tell me personally that in His sight my soul was great.  I thanked my Heavenly Father for hearing and answering my prayers.  I will never forget that experience, it was the first major testimony builder in my life.  

Even with that sweet message and reminder I struggled with self worth through High School.  I would have to often remind myself of that experience and go back and read that scripture.  When I met and married Jake my self worth seemed to get stronger.  I loved being a wife, and I thought that I was pretty good at it.  Jake was a very easy person to be married too and this made me think I was a pretty good wife.  He was a very good husband.  I was told daily how beautiful, smart, kind, loving, and amazing I was.  Jake filled me up.  He made me who I was.  I was a good person because of Jake.  His love made me better everyday.  I loved being a Mom and he made me feel like I was the best Mom a little boy could have.  He complimented me always and Never and I mean Never criticized  me.  I know that seems like a lie, but it's not.  In fact, about a month before Jake died I asked him why he never got mad at me or found fault with me.  His response, "If I have a problem with something you are doing, it's not your problem, it's mine.  I just deal with it and move on."  (This statement is profound in many ways and maybe points to why he was done proving himself on this earth.  Can you imagine if more people in the world thought this way!)  But I challenged him on this telling him that "if he holds it all in, he will one day just explode!".  He simply responded with, "No I won't, because it's never stays an issue.".  That gives you an idea of why he gave me a good self esteem.  When I was down on myself he would spend hours telling me how amazing I was and everything he loved about me.  Jake gave me my self worth.  Everything that was good about me was because of him!  This was great...while it lasted.

When Jake died, so did I.  All that was good and kind about me, all of my faith was drained out of me.  I was filled up with pain, sorrow and grief.  It was all consuming.  I had felt pretty because of Jake, I was faithful because of Jake, I was kind because of Jake, I was a good mom because of Jake, and I had worth because I was Jake's wife.  My self worth had been defined by my relationship with Jake, and now he was dead.  

A couple months after Jake died I was asked to speak in Stake Conference on "Overcoming Trials".  I was not overcoming any trial at this time.  I was being swallowed whole by this trial.  I was in a fog of grief that left me hopeless in a downward spiral of misery. This opportunity to speak sent me to my knees in prayer and I was quite honest with Heavenly Father.  I prayed, "if you want me to talk about overcoming trials, you better start helping me to overcome this misery!"  This was a blessing in disguise that I will always be thankful for.  The speaking assignment truly opened me up for the inspiration and revelation that I needed to start my road to healing and see a pathway through the fog.   It also gave me the inspiration and awareness that I needed to rebuild my self worth.

As women and girls we often define our value in our relationships.  If we have a good relationship with our children we must be good moms...and if we have a strained relationship, we must not be good moms.  If our marriage is strong we must be good wives, but if it's struggling (even if it's an issue our husband is struggling with) then we must not be good enough.  It was something we did to cause his issues.  We build up ourselves through the relationship with others when they are good, and we tear ourselves down when they need work. I don't think very many men understand this reality.  If our marriages are struggling, we are almost always struggling with our own self worth because of that.  Men tend to define their value in their careers, their success' or failures, their hobbies and interests, and I dare say even the way their favorite sports team is playing;) (meant for my husband to read, haha)  This is a generalization and doesn't apply to everyone, but I think a lot of people do this.

In my church we have a program for our youth.  The Young Women's and Young Men's programs.  The Young Women recite their theme each week at the beginning of our meeting.  The first line states:

We are daughter's of our Heavenly Father who loves us, and we love Him. 

This teaches a very valuable lesson.  We are all daughters and sons of a Heavenly Father that loves us.  We are all important to Him personally.  I repeated this statement every week for years, but I didn't learn the importance of it until Jake died.

My self worth should never have been placed upon any person that lives on this earth.  There is nothing and no one that can be constant and never leave us.  The only person that we can build our self worth upon that will never leave us alone or let us down is our Heavenly Father.  Even people we love and that seem to love us completely can betray us, let us down, lie to us, or by no fault of their own just die.  The only sure thing in this life is the love and support of Heavenly Father, and Jesus Christ.  We have to build our self worth on them.  "The foolish man built his house upon the sand, and the wise man built his house upon a rock." I didn't see building my self worth on Jake as foolish, in fact, I don't think I was even aware that I was doing that.  But when the rains came pouring down, my self worth was washed away and I was forced to figure out how to rebuild.  I learned to build my self worth upon a rock.  The worth of souls is great in the sight of God.  I am a good person because I am a Daughter of God.  If I build my self worth on His love for me and all the potential He sees in me, I can begin to trust that and believe in myself. I have to remind myself of this lesson often.  The voices in my head or of those around me in the world can try and "rain" down on my self worth to weaken it.  If I stay true to who I am and can keep my foundation built upon my Heavenly Father my self worth can never be drained out of me again.

My name is Julie and I am a Daughter of God who loves me, and I love Him.

My name is Julie...

My name is Julie and I married my first true love.

When I was 18 years old, in January 1996, I went on a first date with Jake Jorgensen, the man I would marry, and the love of my life.  We fell in love instantly and had a great life.  In the first 7 years of our marriage we experienced many ups and downs.  We had 3 young boys who were all sweet and amazing.  We moved several times, but built our dream house in 2002.  Jake ran a cattle ranch that he loved, and I lived my dream as a stay at home mom.  Jake worked as a mechanic in a coal mine in addition to the ranch to make that possible.  We also experienced a devastating miscarriage, the loss of Jake’s job a few different times, and a health scare with our 4 year old that had him in the hospital for over a week with Kawasaki’s disease.  

We truly loved each other and made it through all the ups and downs together.

In January 2004, I found myself over-scheduled and stressed- never saying no to anyone or anything.  Jake was our wards Young Mens President and I was the Primary President (church leadership).  Additionally, I was the PTA Vice-president, volunteering at the school to read with the kids, room mother, teaching a tumbling class for little boys, and oh yeah, being a wife and mother.  

On Thursday January 22, I called my Mom to complain about all my problems and at the end of the conversation she said, “I hope your weekend gets better.”  My response, “I don’t know how it could get worse!”.  

That night my husband left for work at 9:00 at night.  He worked graveyards at a coal mine in Price, Ut.  As he walked out the door, I called him back to give me a kiss goodbye.  We shared a passionate kiss in the middle of the stair case and I gave him my usual goodbye, “I love you, have a good night, and make sure you come home to me in the morning :).”

Around midnight there was a knock on my door.  

My best friend, my former bishop (released the week before), and our new bishop and his wife were standing on my porch.  I thought for a second they were coming to get me to go help someone in our ward.  They asked if they could come in...(no this isn’t happening to me, don’t let them in).  I must have let them in though, and they made me sit down. (Don’t say it, don’t listen, make them leave)  I hear my old Bishop say, “There’s been an accident at the mine and... (this isn’t happening, this is not my life!!!)  and Jake didn’t make it”.  Now my thoughts became screams as I sobbed uncontrollably.  “No!  Where is he?  Take me to him right now!  There has to be a chance!  He has to be ok!  I know he is alive!  Just take me to him and he’ll be alive.  PLEASE PLEASE take me to him!”  They didn’t have any details or know where he was... they just knew he was dead.  

My name is Julie and I am a widow.

I spent the night sobbing, waiting for my family to make the 2 hour drive to get to me. Then spent the next day sitting my 6, 3, and 1 year old sons on my lap, telling them their daddy died, and that he was never coming home.  I then went and picked out a casket for my amazing, adoring husband.  And OH YEAH, I took the pregnancy test I had bought the day before with such hope and excitement in my heart.

The test was POSITIVE. 

In the midst of the most horrible event I could imagine, I had a MIRACLE. This baby was a BLESSING. It was a piece of my sweet Jake still living inside of me. That little baby saved me.

There I was... 26 years old, a pregnant widow, and a single mom of soon-to-be 4 sons. 

No words can describe the feelings of a grieving wife whose husband was torn from her in a tragic accident.  I envied every story I heard of someone getting terminal cancer.  I imagined my car crashing into cement walls.  I wanted Jake.  I wanted to die so that I would be with him again and feel like I was alive.  The truth is when Jake died, so did I.  I felt like everything good and happy about me was drained out, and I was filled up with pain.  Everything was ripped from me, except my kids.  Our life, our dreams, and our plans no longer mattered, without him they were dead too.  How could I live without him?  How could I make plans, or have dreams ever again?  I remember sitting in a room filled with people and feeling completely alone.  The thought “Jake is dead, how is he dead, how is this my life?  This is NOT my life!” ran through my head 95% of the time. Grief is something that is dark and horrible and eventually can be sweet and peaceful.

Having my 3 boys, as well as knowing that I was pregnant, kept me from doing anything crazy.  But, my family never left me alone either.  They were there for me from the night he died and still, to this day, remain close to help and serve me.  They were a blessing and a huge reason I was able to go on.  We decided that I would buy my parents house and they would build next door to us so they could help me raise the boys.  

I had made the first plan in my future without Jake. 

Eight months after Jake died, I gave birth to my sweet Jacob Jr.

He began the healing in my heart.  He was an angel from the start and has remained one ever since.  He just turned 8 years old.  He is so much like his Daddy it is crazy.  I’m thankful everyday to my Heavenly Father for giving him to me.  He is my miracle!

To be honest the first 2 years after Jake died are a blur.  It was so hard and exhausting.  But there were so many tender mercies along the way as well.  I began making a new life for me and the kids.  We started grief therapy, and new traditions that would ensure we would always remember Jake.  Slowly, we began to accept that he wasn’t coming back.  This was our new reality.

When Jake first died, I was offended by anyone even suggesting I remarry.  I remember my mom suggesting that I start dating after it had been a year.  My response, “Should I ask the guy to bring me home in the middle of the date to breast feed the baby (3 months old) or should I just take him along and breast feed him during dinner?”.  That gave us a little bit of a laugh.  After a year or so though, I started realizing that I was so young and it would be a very long, lonely life if I stayed single.

I started dating after it had been about 2 years.  It was awful, scary, hilarious and sometimes even fun.  In April 2006 a man named Curtis asked me out and with a little divine intervention I eventually said yes.  It was hard at first but, within a short time we fell in love and I KNEW I was supposed to marry him. He had 4 sons as well, all the same ages as my kids.  I was thrilled to feel happiness again.  I was going to make plans and have dreams again!  Curtis was great about accepting Jake’s presence in our home, our lives, and my heart.  This made it easier for me to allow myself to fall in love with him.

It was amazing and romantic and perfect... until we got married and then it was all of those things, and also very, very hard.  Second marriages have so many problems that first marriages don’t have (and first marriages have plenty of problems).  I’m still not sure why I thought starting a marriage with 8 boys under 8 would be easy? ;)

It took time for me to deal with feelings of betrayal once I remarried.  I struggled feeling like I was betraying Jake, and in time I began feeling like I was betraying Curtis, as well.  Being in love with 2 men is a strange thing.  I didn’t want to hurt either one of them.  Gradually however, with the love and understanding of Curtis, and the peaceful feelings that I get from Jake, I have been able to let that go.  I can be deeply in love with both of them and that is OK.  I even feel the love that Curtis and Jake have for each other.  It might not be a typical family unit, but it’s mine and I love it.

My name is Julie and I am in love with 2 men.

Curtis and I have had years of ups and downs.  Times that I was sure I was going to leave him and times that I have never felt happier, but we work hard at our marriage and are thriving and happy... (most of the time:).  

In the first months after Jake died I read a book about grief.  In it was a line that I keep close to my heart and have tried to live by.  “You can’t choose your trials in life, but you can choose how you deal with them.  You can choose to become better or bitter.”  I have tried hard to become better.  My kids are amazing people because of what they have been through.  I feel blessed to have two men who love me and accept each other being in my heart.  I feel happiness and joy everyday.  I think of Jake everyday.  He stays in my heart and we talk about him regularly.  Everyday that I was married to Jake I prayed for his safety.  I had faith and knew that God would protect him.  At the same time, everyday I also prayed to be able to accept God’s will in my life.  I also have faith in this.  I used to think that if I had faith God would protect me from anything bad happening to me.  Now I know that if I have faith God will help me survive anything.  

People say that “time heals all wounds”.  I beg to differ.  Time doesn’t heal, if anything it makes it worse.  It’s been longer since I have seen Jake, and heard his voice.  Longer since I’ve felt the love and strength in his embrace.  But what time does, is helps us learn how to deal with it better and how to cope with our new reality.  Time give us the chance to grow into the person we were meant to be.  I said before that grief can become sweet and peaceful, and that is because of time.  To think of Jake, see pictures of him, and take time to remember him brings a sweet, peaceful feeling.

My name is Julie and I am choosing to become better.

In 2008 Curtis and I had our first child together.  I was so excited to find out what it was, obviously hoping for a girl to add to our family of 8 boys.  I have to admit that I was devastated to find out it was another boy!  It took several weeks to accept this reality.  Cameron was born in July.  He was so sweet and he had my heart from the minute I saw him.  I wouldn’t have traded him for any girl in the world.  I knew he was meant to be my son.  He helped bond our blended family into a family.  Everyone adored him.  He brought so much happiness and love to our home.

Things were looking up.  Curtis and I moved into a new home that fit our extremely large family.  Curtis was blessed to be very successful in his career so we had more than enough for our needs.  The kids were all doing great.  Cameron was a little delayed on a few things, but overall we were doing really well.  I was sure that all my trials were in the past.  We still deal with the loss of Jake daily and he remains a huge presence in our house.  But, surely my life had been so hard that I wouldn’t have anymore trials.  At least, no more big lifelong trials.  Right!?!

 In the fall of 2009 my 3rd son Jordy was really struggling to learn in school.  He had been very delayed in his toddler years but because he was only 1 when his Dad died they felt that explained his delays.  I felt like he eventually caught up by preschool.  He had a quirky personality, but that was just what made him Jordy.  When he was in first grade things started spiraling downward fast.  I was reading everything I could find and came across, The Out-Of-Sync Child.  This was a game changer for us.  It took almost 9 months to go through all the diagnosing, Doctor appointments and therapist to find out he was PDD-NOS (mildly autistic) with severe Sensory Processing Disorder, and had learning disabilities.

My name is Julie and I am a special needs Mom.

I was devastated and couldn’t believe that I was going through yet another trial.  It took several months to come to grips with my anger over it. I felt betrayed by God somehow.  Like we had an agreement that I would endure my trial with the understanding that he would prevent anything else bad from happening.  I battled depression (again), and gained weight from all the stress.  But in time, with a lot of prayer, God helped heal my heart.  Instead of feeling picked on I decided to focus on helping my son.  I found my strong personality again and became a mom with a cause.  Sometimes, moms of Autistic kids have to fight harder than other disabilities.  Maybe we are bad parents, or our kids are just bad kids that don’t listen and won’t follow directions.  There is no medical “proof” that our kids have a disability.  It’s just some Doctors opinion.  We have to fight for our kids in the school system, the medical world, in our neighborhoods, in our families, in every public place that we take our kids, and even at times in our homes with the other siblings.  Watching my son struggle with PDD is heart breaking at times and yet, he is so funny and great to be around.  He is happy almost all the time, and tries so hard.  My priorities changed from making sure I made it to the gym every morning, to making sure Jordy had his occupational therapy, speech therapy, behavior training, and tutoring lined up and taken care of each day.  I tried hard to “fix” him.  I have learned in the past couple years that instead of trying to fix him, I need to help him.  Help him reach his highest potential no matter what that is.  Help him deal with his sensory issues, by fixing his environment rather than him.  Helping his anxiety with coping techniques.  Helping him find the best ways he learns and convincing his teachers to accommodate the systems we find.  As time has gone by somethings have improved a little and some have gotten much worse.  We take each day as it comes and continue to navigate through all his struggles.  Little did I know that this experience was preparing me for even more.

My name is Julie and I will fight for my kids!

 Cameron was easy from the beginning.  I teased my older kids that he was happy just to be along for the ride.  Sitting in the car seat silently accepting his fate as a passenger to their lives of football, baseball, and everything else they were involved in.  It was kind of a joke until I realized that my soon to be 2 year old sweet baby boy that never cried or caused a problem, also never really made a sound.  He had several delays along the way, but when I asked the Doctor about them I was always brushed off as the worried mom (whose husband died so she’s too paranoid).  Being told, “He is the youngest of 9 kids, he will catch up.” and “You need to stop worrying so much, he is fine, happy and healthy.  He will smile, sit, crawl, walk (the list goes on) in his own time.”  

Finally when Cameron turned 2, with almost no words or sounds they started early intervention.  With a normal hearing test we began speech therapy.  During that time I found out that I was (quite surprisingly) pregnant again.  God really knows me, and knows to give me babies when things are going to get ugly;).  I was thrilled and hoped and prayed for a daughter.  Living with 9 sons was fun...but come on, throw a girl a bone and give me a baby girl! 

 Cameron was having speech therapy weekly and after 4 months had made no progress.  They diagnosed him with speech apraxia (the inability to make your mouth say what your thinking) which lead to an MRI four days before Christmas in 2010.  The Doctor called that day with more words I never wanted to hear. “The MRI was AB-normal.”  I was crushed.  Cameron was diagnosed in the following weeks with Periventricular Nodular Heterotopia, (PVNH).  I told the Neuro he would need to write that down.  It is a brain abnormality where some of the grey brain matter doesn’t migrate out during the development process.  It interrupts good brain waves being sent out and almost always sends out misfires and causes an almost untreatable form of epilepsy. They said he may never speak and to teach him sign language in hopes his brain would make new connections to his speech center.  He would need intense speech therapy and an EEG to test for seizures.  The EEG was normal, so we continued in his speech therapy, upping it to 2 times a week. 

On January 19, 2011 the 15 year anniversary of Jake and I’s first date I found out I was pregnant with a GIRL!!  The timing was divine.  It brought a spark of happiness and excitement in a time that I was so overwhelmed and heart broken about Cameron. Finally after 14 years of longing for a daughter, my prayer was answered.

 Even with this joyous news, my focus stayed on Cam.  Luckily I learned sign language in high school so I began teaching Cam.  He loved it and in a short time was signing so many words.  I eventually taught him to pray in sign language.  I challenge anyone to find something as cute as a 2 yr old signing a prayer!  After months of signing and therapy he slowly began to say a few words and finally put 2 words together, “ball in”.  With that little phrase we worked on for months, something clicked, and by the time he was 3 he was putting 3 and 4 words together.  Hearing my little guy say “love you mama” brought unimaginable joy to me.

 In July, Curtis and I welcomed to our family our baby girl.  Decorating her nursery, and buying her clothes brought so much happiness in a tough time.  But, holding her in my arms was priceless.  My heart was so full, and our family was complete.

My name is Julie and I FINALLY have a daughter!!!

I was thrilled with Cameron’s progress but something still wasn’t right.  Cameron seemed sick all the time.  He was tired and sluggish.  He would sleep for hours and hours during the day and 12 hours at night.  He had rashes all the time all over his body.  He was having issues that didn’t add up to being just PVNH.  He started declining in Sept. of 2011 to the point of me demanding an appt. with a Cardiologist.  I can’t explain it, but I just knew something was wrong and I had to fix it fast!  They found nothing.  The feeling only got worse.  After years of being ignored by my pediatrician I finally got a new Doctor in November of 2011.  She researched PVNH and decided we should be scheduled with a genetic specialist.  Usually it takes months to be seen but we were a “high priority case” because we already had our first diagnosis.  They scheduled an appt. just 3 weeks away.  Unfortunately, the next week Curtis was informed that his great successful job had an expiration date.  He had about a year left before he would need to find another job.  This was a shock and quite devastating, but we were so grateful for the year we would have so that our insurance would see us through solving Cam’s puzzle.

We went to our appointment with genetics.  The doctor ordered a special blood test and a week later, this time 3 days before Christmas we were told “Cameron has a genetic disorder called 22q11.2 deletion syndrome” (also known as DiGeorge Syndrome).  This is a syndrome where part of the 22nd chromosome is deleted.  It is what caused the PVNH and explained all the other issues he was having.  In the next several weeks we learned that Cameron has 3 minor heart defects, 1 being potentially fatal that we will monitor his entire life.  He was born with only one kidney, that is smaller than the Doctor would like and has a couple issues, that will also be monitored.  Low immunity, over-all low tone, chronic fatigue, chronic rashes, and possible learning disorders.  PVNH usually causes dyslexia and 22q causes issues with numbers and problem solving, so he is taking a hit from both sides.  There is a 90% chance he will eventually develop a seizure disorder.  His most recent EEG came back normal again though:).  Cam had to have a sleep study done and they found he had sleep apnea.  We removed his adenoids and tonsils to hopefully help his chronic fatigue.  The surgery went well, but I’m sad to say the fatigue remains a big issue for him.  It is likely that he will continue to have new issues come up through out his life.

The good news?  Cam has beat the odds in many ways and his speech continues to improve.  The mortality rate for 22q kids can be high in the first year, depending on symptoms.  Also a lot of 22q and PVNH pregnancies result in miscarriage.  He is the happiest, sweetest little boy I know.  I can’t get enough of him.  I am grateful everyday that he is alive.  When Jake died I remember envying people that had trials of illness.  That sounds crazy, but death is so final.  There is no room for hope, prayer, miracles, and doing everything in your power to fix it.  This gives me perspective, knowing full well that my Cam could have died.  He could have spent his entire life in the NICU until he finally died.  He didn’t, he is alive, he is happy, sweet, and playful.  He is a miracle, and I get to have hope, and do everything in my power to fix him.  

My name is Julie and I see the miracles in my life.

 Most people would say having two special needs kids is a really hard trial.  Well, even just having one child with special needs is.  This is a true statement.  However, as a Mom of two amazing special needs kids, I realize that it’s not just MY trial.  Their special needs are their trial.  They are two of my most cherished blessings.  I have the honor of raising, loving, and helping them through all of the challenges they will have to face in their life.  They are strong and will reach their full potential, whatever that may be.  It won’t be easy for them or for me, but we will get through all of it together. Watching Cam go through several medical tests over and over kills me.  He will have a lifetime of Dr. visits and stops at the hospital. It breaks my heart for him.  I will go through all of it though, if I get to be the one he snuggles up to and kisses everyday.

I started realizing I could break under the pressure of being a widow, in a second marriage with 10 kids, not knowing what our employment situation will be or how we will get a new insurance to cover Cam or Jordy, and having two kids with special needs, on top of every other “normal” problem that most of us face everyday.  OR, I could look for every blessing, every miracle, and every ounce of help I receive from God and my loved ones.  Sometimes I have to really search and sometimes it is abundantly clear, but I can find blessings in every single day.  I focus on what I can do to improve our situation and do it.  I try not to beat myself up for not being perfect at everything.  I do the best I can and accept that as good enough.  I am thankful for all the amazing things I have in my life.  I have "typical" kids that are amazing and helpful and lift my burden everyday.  Curtis and I have grown very close as we have faced each new challenge. I may have had harder trials than most, but I could argue that I may have had more miracles than most, as well.  I love my life, I try to become better everyday, I look for the positive and don’t focus on the negative, and I choose to feel happiness everyday.  I’m not perfect in this and have plenty of room to improve.  I have times I feel down, or even days that I feel down.  The important thing is that I don’t let myself have weeks or months that I feel down.  

People often ask me how I handle so many trials.  I usually respond with something like, “I didn’t know I had any other option”.  The truth is though, the only way I can handle any of it is through the help and love of my Savior and his atoning sacrifice.  I rely heavily on the words of my beloved church leader Thomas S. Monson, “Remember, whom the Lord calls, the Lord qualifies.”  My life is a testimony of that statement.

My name is Julie and I love my crazy, tragic, stressful, difficult, wonderful life. 

Click here to read an UPDATE!

Prompted by many of your messages I started a facebook page.  You can follow me or send me a private message at:
My name is Julie and I love my crazy, tragic, wonderful life.

My name is Julie post was originally posted on a blog for a My name is... series about women overcoming difficult challenges. The blog is called My Name is Jacy you can find other inspiring stories on this blog.  http://www.mynameisjacy.com/p/blog-page_9.html

When I get stressed...I bake...check out my cakes!  www.julie-juliescakes.blogspot.com