The lessons I've learned from my husband's death, 11 years later...

Sometimes it feels like I have been living the last 11 years for a lifetime and at the same time it amazes me at how fast it really has gone.

Jake was killed in an accident working in a coal mine 11 years ago.  I had 3 small boys and a new pregnancy.  When he died I didn't know if I would survive the night.  I didn't think it was possible to go on living with out him.  The pain of grief is truly indescribable.  It is a real, physical pain that makes it near impossible to even breathe.

Trying to go on living a normal life while in the depths of grief is like trying to run a marathon in waist high mud.  Everything is hard, heavy and at times unbearable.  I look back at the last 11 years and am truly amazed that we are still enduring this trial...but even more amazing we have learned to actually enjoy life, not just endure it.

I am often asked how we have managed to endure this trial and enjoy life.  There are many reasons and factors to this but one I haven't talked a lot about is habits.

When I was younger I developed the habits of "the Sunday school answers".  You know the ones...read your scriptures, say your prayers, go to church, share your testimony, have faith, and rely on the atonement.  Go to any Sunday school class and you will hear those answers to many of the questions. They are even said at times with a slight attitude of annoyance.

Well, I'm here to tell you...that the reason they are the answer to every question...is because they are truly the answer to all of your problems.  My life is a testimony of everyone of those answers.  I believe a huge part of why I have been able to survive and learn from this trial is because of the habits I formed in my youth.

-When Jake died I already had a relationship with my Heavenly Father.  It was hard at first to go to church but I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do...and because I had already formed that habit.

-I was already half way through reading the Book of Mormon again so I continued to read every night...because it was the right thing to do, and because I was already in the habit of reading.  Reading my scripture brought answers to prayers at a time that I was filled with questions and doubts.

-Before Jake died I was in the habit of saying my prayers every night.  This is the one habit that did change.  I couldn't just pray at night anymore.  To this day I walk around with a prayer in my heart continually.  I couldn't count how many prayers I have in a day.  I needed strength for every second I endured in those first days, months and even years.  Now 11 years later I don't need to pray for strength to get through every second, but I do pray for guidance, help, love, and gratitude throughout the day.

-I knew sharing my testimony was important before Jake died and I shared it often.  The importance of being able to share my testimony after he died has been even more important.  It's mentioned in every blessing I'm given and I know it is part of my Heavenly Father's will for me.

-My definition and testimony of faith is the same in some aspects and also very different.  I thought if I had faith and did what was right I would be protected and "blessed".  Nothing bad would ever happen to me if I had faith in Christ.  Now I KNOW that if I have faith in my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and rely on them they will carry me through anything bad that happens to me and I will be blessed.  I know that if I submit to His will I will be blessed beyond measure and have a life filled with joy.

-Before Jake died I had used the atonement in my life mainly for a remission of my sins.  After Jake died I learned the true depth of the atonement.  The need to rely on the atonement for my pain and sorrow was crucial to my survival.  To this day when I am having a hard time I remind myself that the atonement isn't a one time thing.  It needs to be used and relied on everyday of our lives.

I have also gained a testimony of miracles.  It is one of my favorite things about my life.  I have endured many trials throughout the last 11 years, but weaved in and out of every trial is small and large miracles.  I know that every trial I am asked to submit to in this life will be filled with miracles beyond measure.  That knowledge and the faith that Heavenly Father will see me through every thing I go through is the only way I don't fear the future.

If you are facing trials and challenges that are seemingly too hard to bear I challenge you to try out the Sunday school answers.  I can testify to you that you will be blessed, you will survive, you will become stronger, and you will even learn to enjoy while you endure.

Anniversaries of Jake's death are always a tender day.  I miss him so much.  I love him and I'm so thankful that our relationship has continued to grow through the veil over these years.  The boys and I still think of him daily and grieve him.  All of our family does.

I am beyond grateful to be married to Curtis.  He is a perfect example of mourning with those that mourn.  I consider this one of my biggest blessings.  He is loving, understanding, and accepting of Jake in our lives.  I love him and am so grateful for the beautiful life we have together.  I am blessed beyond measure.

Pictures from the last 11 years...

Grief doesn't diminish the love and happiness you have now, it just validates the love you lost. -Julie 

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Celebrating 18 Years of Marriage, Even in Death...

18 years ago I married the man of my dreams.  I was 18 years old and living the life I had planned on since I was a little girl.  Jake and I were so in love.  We were married and sealed for time and all eternity in the Salt Lake LDS Temple.  It never occurred to me that I was too young to get married and start a family.  It felt natural and right.  I wanted to spend my entire life with Jake and wanted it to start as soon as possible.

After just 4 months of marriage I found out that we were expecting our first baby.  I was only 19 when Jax was born...almost 20.  Jake often teased me that I added to the teen pregnancy statistics for Utah.  We started our family quickly and added to it in the same manner.  I never thought twice about it.  We prayed continually about following God's will in our lives and tried hard to do what was right. We loved our kids and wanted a big family.

When Jake died after 7 1/2 years of marriage, and 2 weeks after the conception of our 4th baby it was clear.  We never felt like we were in a rush, but we were.  We had a lot of life to live in a very short time.  We had 8 years and 3 days from our first date to our last day on earth.  We needed to establish a loving marriage, and a stable foundation for our family.  We also needed to bring 4 souls into this world.  I know with all my heart that Jacob Jr. was the last thing Jake needed to accomplish in this life.  When that was done, so was he.  His mission on earth was fulfilled and he was called back home to start a new mission.  We were left here to pick up the pieces and figure out how to continue living with out the love of our lives.  This was not part of my plan...but it was the life we were meant to live.

At first thought it breaks my heart that we only celebrated 7 anniversaries together.  It makes me sad that our time together was so short.  After serious reflection I realize that we have celebrated 18 years together.  Our relationship has continued to grow.  My love for him has grown as I know his love for me has as well.  Jake has been in my heart now for half of my lifetime.  He has loved me and filled my soul with his love.  I have loved him, cared for him, grieved for him, remembered him, and thanked God for him everyday.  Our bodies may have only experienced 8 years together, but our minds, hearts, and souls have known each other for far longer than that.

I am so grateful for everyday I had with Jake.  The blessing of eternal life and eternal families is our greatest blessing.  I know Jake has watched over us for all these years and will continue to.  I am so grateful for that and for the knowledge the gospel of Jesus Christ gives us.

Today squeeze your spouse a little tighter and tell them how much you love them.  Appreciate the days you have together, because you never know if it might be the last.

Happy Anniversary Jake!  I will always love you!

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Beauty Revived...

A few months ago I was contacted by one of my very first girls that I served while in the Young Women's program for our church down in Castle Dale.  She has remained one of my favorites over the years.  Michelle was always bubbly and happy.  She would come over to my house for visits, and would even come by after she moved away to college.  Michelle's last visit in Castle Dale was the Sunday before Jake died.

When Michelle contacted me she told me about a new project she was starting.  I am Beauty Revived.  It is a website designed to highlight true beauty in girls and women.  Michelle is a photographer and had the brilliant idea of getting photographers to donate a session to worthy women.  Michelle would then highlight their stories and photo session on her website.  At this point she has over 30 photographers that have joined her and they have selected 50 women from Utah.  She hopes this will catch on with other states and many more photographers.  If you are a photographer that would like to participate you can find details here!

Michelle is an amazing person and I wasn't surprised at all when she told me of her grand plan.  I know she will continue to do marvelous things in her life.  Michelle was sweet enough to pick me as her Beauty Revived Model.  (This will be the only time my name is associated with model!!;)  Doing the photo shoot was fairly awkward for me, but I was really humbled by the opportunity.

So far there have been several women already featured.  Head over to Beauty Revived to check out all the different women!  There are some seriously awe-inspiring stories on there!  Also, Michelle's story was picked up by a local news station.  She was on KSL 5 last night at 6:30 and will be doing another spot today at 12:30.

Thanks Michelle for being a shining example to the world, by showing how much good there is to find all around us!  I am so proud of you for all you are doing, and you will always be one of my girls...no matter how old you are!

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Finally a Princess...

For 15 years of motherhood I was STARVED for a baby girl.  Growing up we had a lot of girls and it gave me a false sense that everyone had girls.  I do remember sitting in a church meeting when I was a teenager and there was a woman that had just given birth to her 5th girl.  I had this thought, "At least it isn't 5 boys...that would be terrible!"

Well, having 5 or 9 boys isn't terrible at all.  But it does leaving a girly girl craving pink, dresses, bows, braids, dollies, and all things girly pretty bad!  I found out "Lil' Sis" was a girl on the 15 year anniversary of Jake and I's first date.  It was also just a couple weeks after we received Cam's first dx of PVNH.  Let me tell you...retail therapy is so much better when it's pink!

Having Lil' Sis in my life...well, in all of our lives has been an unexpected blessing and has brought all of us so much joy.  The boys are crazy about her and so is her daddy!  Having a daughter has completed our family.  I will Never get over it.  I still can't believe how blessed we are to have her.  Every time I buy necklaces, dresses, fingernail polish,  and girly bedding I am reminded how awesome it is that I get to do it.  Even more so, every time I do her hair, paint her nails, play princesses, sing songs, and play baby dolls I remember how blessed I am.

If I had a daughter first I don't think I would have appreciated the miracle of it.  I would have figured I would have had lots of girls.  I might have complained about doing her hair for 8:30 a.m. church or how she takes all my jewelry and gets into my shoes.  Praying for a girl for 15 years gives me great perspective, I love and appreciate every little thing she does!

Today my Lil' Sis is 3 years old.  She makes me so happy.  Here are some pictures over the last 3 years.  Making cakes is one of my therapies...so don't judge me on the appearance of being spoiled with elaborate cakes;)  To check out more of my cakes click here.

1 yr old Cinderella Smash Cake and a Party Dress Cake!

2 yrs old Minnie Mouse Party!

3 years old princess party!

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*All the great professional pics came from my first friend (age 1) from Loulou Photography!