The Sealing Issue...why marrying a widow is a matter of faith for me.

Part 2 of Dating and Marrying a Widow...read part one here.

Written By-Curtis Toone

*Disclaimer: as this particular blog post primarily deals with theological issues related to Christianity and more particularly to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, be advised that if you're not familiar with this religion, this may not make sense to you as you are not the intended audience. To learn more about our belief click here.

After my divorce I knew I wanted to get married again. I also knew that I wanted to marry someone who had been married before. I wanted someone who had the experience of being in a marriage with both the positives and challenges. When I began dating I did not distinguish between those that had been divorced and those who had been widowed. This was because I hadn't spent any time thinking through the issues and potential consequences of the different circumstances.

At that time I had a very intense job and I was working between 50 and 60 hours a week with frequent travel. When I wasn't working I was spending time with my kids. This made finding people to date difficult. Although I had a number of high-quality dates through introductions from friends and family, and the Singles Ward, I hadn't found anyone with whom I had good chemistry. I consider myself fairly progressive technology wise so I decided I would give online dating a try. I found that it was a fairly efficiently to see lots of people who were interested in dating. I also was only interested in dating someone of my faith.

So after dating for a while, I had met a number of good and wonderful ladies, but for one reason or another, things just didn't work out between us. So I went back to the dating websites to find other women to date. I remember looking at Julie's profile and saying to myself, she's really pretty and I bet I could be a really good dad to her boys. (One of her pictures was of her and her boys) I approached her online and after some effort, time and divine intervention she decided to go out with me. (The divine intervention is another story for another day.)

After going on a couple of dates with Julie I began to wrap my head around some of the complex issues for the very first time of dating a widow in the LDS church. I remember her describing the tragic situation she had to endure with the loss of her husband. I felt sad for her as she described what a great person Jake was, how abruptly he was taken from her, in the ensuing grief and mourning she felt for him over the last several years. It was clear that she loved Jake very intensely. I wondered if she felt if she was able to love someone else as intensely. In retrospect, perhaps I should not have asked her that question directly, but I am a very direct person. I think this just illustrates how I was beginning to think about some of the issues around dating someone who is a widow or widower.

When you date someone who is divorced, you generally find that they dislike the person they were previously married to. The opposite is true when you date a widow or widower, they almost always liked the person they were married to. On our second date, Julie made it very clear that she was sealed to Jake and intended to remain so. On one hand that made perfect sense. This was the very instance that the sealing power was intended to provide comfort and reassurance that Julie and Jake would be together again. On the other hand, where did this leave me? I was a single unsealed man. (As my ex-wife had canceled our sealing and was sealed to her current husband.)

She told me that she felt that she could love another husband  just as she has several children and loves each of them equally but in slightly different ways. This made sense to me, but we know there's a difference between parental love and romantic love between husband and wife. After reflecting on the conversation I decided to keep an open mind. This conversation obviously upset her and she left from the lunch date unhappy. I tried to ask the questions in the most sincere and kind way possible and there was no malice in my heart. I was just coming to grips with some of the issues for the first time.

I knew that I had upset her on the date. I tried to call her later that day and the next day. She didn't answer the phone so I tried to text and left her several voicemails. A day or two later I received an e-mail from her that I now call a "nasty gram". In the e-mail there was a lot of emotion and frustration about the issues I brought up and her overall situation. I think she was fairly determined to put me off. She questioned why would bring up those issues and be so direct when we had only been on a date or two. I think the quote she said is "I don’t even think I like you, and yet you want me to discuss spending eternity with you. I would just like to be able to go on a date without having to try and solve the mysteries of eternity". After reflecting on the e-mail she sent, I called her and left a voicemail saying that she was right and I’d make it up to her if she would go out with me again promising that we would go out just to have fun and keep things light. I hoped that she would go out with me again because I liked her personality and thought she was pretty.

Fortunately, she decided to go out with me again. In retrospect, I have to thank her father for talking her into it. We continue dating and we both enjoyed it. At the same time I was processing these issues in my head and trying to come to some resolution on them. A friend of mine had married a widow and in her circumstances she decided to ask for a sealing cancellation from her first husband. Apparently he was an unsavory character. I don't pretend to think that I have enough information to judge whether this was the right decision in their case, but Julie made it very clear that Jake was a great guy, and she would remain sealed to him.

My thoughts on the Sealing Issue after much thought, prayer, processing and reflection. (This is my understanding and how I should apply it in my life. I know this point of view will not apply nor be appropriate in every circumstance and situation. Each person must prayerfully consider their circumstances and ultimately look to God and the influence of the Holy Ghost to determine the right path for them.)

The gospel of Jesus Christ is a curious thing. It's not a Chinese menu where you can pick and choose which gospel principles you will believe and which ones you won't. You can't say I like Commandments one, five and six, but I don't like three, four and nine. If you're going to accept the gospel of Jesus Christ you must also accept it in its entirety. If you accept that through the Priesthood men and women may be able to be sealed together in God's holy temples, you must also accept that God is a just and loving Heavenly Father who is concerned about the happiness and well-being of his children.

We also know that it is "not good for man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18, Abraham 5:14, Moses 3:18). I also believe that it is not good for woman to be alone either. Our moral existence on this planet is intended for us to interact with one another. I also feel it's ideal for children to be raised in a home with two parents even if both of those parents are not the biological parents.

We also know that we don’t know the mysteries of God nor a perfect picture of the gospel at this time. In the ninth article of faith we learn "we believe all that God has revealed, all that he does now reveal, and we believe that he will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of God." From this we know that we don't fully understand how things will be in the eternities. In first Corinthians chapter 13 the apostle Paul clearly illustrates that while we do not have a full understanding of things pertaining to the gospel, (we see through a glass darkly; for we know in part, and we prophesy in part), but what we have is an understanding of the fundamentals. If we master these gospel fundamentals everything that will be revealed to us in the eternities will make perfect sense. Paul exhorts us to develop the qualities of faith hope and charity. And we know the charity is a perfect love of Jesus Christ.

We also know that God's kingdom is not a kingdom of coercion, force or compulsion. We learn this in section 121 of the doctrine and covenants. This section teaches us how God's kingdom on earth is to function and how will be in the eternities. In the eternities we will choose to live in accordance with God's laws because that will be who we are, our very nature, because we have experienced the alternative and have chosen to overcome the natural man within us (Mosiah 3:19) and yield to the enticings of the Holy Ghost. To reside with God our Eternal Father in his Celestial glory we will need to have become like him in every way.

Versus 45 and 46 section 121 give us a glimpse into the eternities:

45 let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the Priesthood shall distill upon thy soul as the dues from heaven.

46 the Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter and unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory mean, it shall flow into thee forever and ever. (note: comma added for emphasis)

There are some really powerful messages in these two scriptures. First, if we really truly understand, accept and live the gospel of Jesus Christ our hearts and minds will be full of love for everyone. The Holy Ghost will be our constant companion, the additional doctrine of God's kingdom and Priesthood will be revealed to us little by little over time, and our very nature, our essence, our everything will change and become aligned and match the will and nature of God. Every feeling, thought, and action will be in harmony with the Priesthood and God's kingdom not out of choice, but rather because of who we are.

The phrase "without compulsory means" is very interesting. Alternative ways of saying this are: without compulsory methods, without compulsory practices, or without compulsory procedures. In the kingdom of God no one will be forced to do anything. We will be asked to do things and then return and report. I believe that we will choose to do those things asked of us because it is right. The other implication of this is that we will not be with anyone we don't want to be with. If we don't want to be with the person that we were sealed to on the earth no one is going to force us to be with them in the eternities.

We don't know how things are going to work out in the eternities. We don't know what adjustments are going to be made. We DO know that the atonement of Jesus Christ compensates for every sin, mistake, frailty, challenge, sorrow and problem if we enter by the gate, live the gospel and endure to the end in faith, repentance and hope. We do know that if we are righteous, true and faithful it will all work out and we will all be happy and received a fullness of joy in the highest degree of the celestial kingdom.   

It is true, that the church policy is that a woman can only be sealed to one man while she is living. I accept and support our church leaders in all that God has revealed to us at this time. Perhaps we get a glimpse into what God may reveal to us in the future by the fact that a woman can be sealed to multiple men after they are all deceased. Let me restate again that we do not know precisely how things will work in the eternities. We do not know what compensations and adjustments will be made. We DO know that if we become like God through the gospel of Jesus Christ, our essence and nature will change to become in harmony with him. He has promised that we will be happy and have joy in the eternities.

Do I know how things will work out between Julie, Jake and I in the eternities? No. But I put my trust in the hands of my loving father in heaven. I trust in him to make it all work out so that everyone will be happy and satisfied. No one, if we live worthy, will miss out on any blessing as the infinite and eternal atonement of Jesus Christ compensates for all shortcomings. No one will feel cheated or shortchanged.

If you accept the Priesthood can seal two people together for time and all eternity, then you must also accept that God is a loving and merciful God, we do not know how precisely things will work out in the eternities, what adjustments and compensations will be made through the atonement, and trust that God will want to bless you with every blessing you prove worthy of.

Caution! My opinion follows:

I think the point of view of shunning a widow because she is sealed to someone else is the exact opposite of everything the gospel teaches. This daughter of God has already shown that she is a good person of faith, accepts the gospel and was worthy to be sealed in the Temple. She may now find herself single through no fault of her own through the death of a spouse. This is not a reason to cast her aside or discard her for your own insecurities. If anything, the gospel teaches us to be full of charity toward the widow and the fatherless (James 1:27), to lift the hands that hang down and strengthen the feeble knees (Hebrews 12:12). If you are going to believe in the Priesthood sealing power, you must also accept the rest of the gospel in its entirety which would lead you past your own insecurities in the sealing issue, if you can put your trust in God and exercise faith. There are many reasons to not marry someone, but to discard a faithful woman solely because she is a widow is wrong.

Aside: I have considered deleting this paragraph because I don’t want to come across as harsh or judgmental. But I believe it to be the truth based on my understanding.

As I sat and reflected on my understanding of this issue, it was one thing to feel prompted spiritually that I should marry Julie, a widow. It was another thing entirely to act upon it. This was not an easy thing to do. I had many times of doubt, insecurity and uncertainty. The adversary worked hard to strengthen my insecurities and amplify my doubts. Ultimately I had to take that leap of faith and decide whether I would let my fears and insecurities be stronger than my faith in my loving heavenly father. I chose then and I still choose today to trust my father in heaven and the promptings I felt.

For each of us, if we don't have enough faith to trust with the Holy Ghost when it prompts us to move in a direction then how can you ever expect to have enough faith to receive all the promises given to you in the Temple? Simply being sealed in the Temple does not ensure that you're going to be sealed for time and all eternity. There are lots of blessings that we are given to us that are dependent on further actions, how we live our life, and ultimately who we become.

Let me be also clear that I didn't get married to Julie just for spiritual reasons. No one should marry a widow solely because she is a widow and you are single. I married Julie because I love the person she is and the person she is becoming.  Having passed through the tragedies, trials and grief in her life she has become a caring and compassionate woman. I want to be married to a caring and compassionate woman. Through dating we determined that we were a great fit for each other and had great chemistry in our relationship. My decision to ask Julie to marry me was both self-interested and spiritual in motivation.

For each of you that are single I offer some great advice I was given. "For whatever trial in your life, pray to the Lord and ask his help as if it all depended upon the Lord and then work like it all depends upon you."  In Proverbs 3:5 it says "trust in the Lord with all thy heart and lean not unto thine own understanding; in all ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths." For any person male or female struggling with any of these issues my advice is to humbly inquire of the Lord what his will is in your life. When the answers come through the Holy Ghost, choose to follow them. Acknowledge that the answers come in God's time and not ours. Each of us have a unique path in mission in this life.

To the widows out there I offer you my condolences. I'm sorry for your circumstances having a spouse taken from you prematurely. I know this feels extremely unfair. I'm sure the heartbreak, loneliness and grief are overwhelming at times. If you have started dating I'm sure sealing issue is on one hand, a strength and comfort in knowing your connection to your spouse, and on the other hand a challenge and a source of frustration as you contemplate a second marriage. I hope that you can find someone to marry that is of great faith and has fully embraced the gospel of Jesus Christ in its entirety.  I am not saying that my point of view on the sealing issue is right for everyone. I only say that it was right for me.

Just because I felt it was right to marry Julie doesn't mean that second marriages are easy. Both divorced and widowed people come into a second marriage with baggage. My life is infinitely more complex than I thought it would be. We manage relationships with a dead husband and his family, an ex-wife, stepchildren, special needs kids, and challenges of all kinds. We have our moments of peace and happiness in your times of trial and rough patches.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is not a competition. There is not one winner and one loser. Julie's husband Jake was a really good guy. A faithful member of the church, returned missionary, and serving as Young Men's president when he was killed. The fact that Jake was a really good person has no impact on what type of person I can become. The person the Jake was in no way diminishes me as a husband and father. Comparisons have no benefit to either Jake or me. While some comparisons are inevitable Julie and I try to avoid making them as they only sow the seeds of insecurities, criticism and discontent.

Some people who have heard our story have said "oh you're just a saint." Let me assure you that I am far from a saint. I have many shortcomings, frailties and imperfections. If you doubt that just asked Julie and I'm sure she would be glad to illuminate several to you. Throughout my life I've just tried to be in the right places and do the right things for the right reasons.  In this attempt, I’ve been richly blessed.

 To read our original story click here.
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Don't Miss Out on the Beauty of Your Life...

I love flowers, especially spring bulbs.  I find great joy in seeing the tiny green leaves pushing up through the ground.  It signals to me that I made it through the winter and spring will be here soon.  Jake died in January and for the last 10 years I have suffered with seasonal depression.  I love warm sunny weather!  I have found a lot of different things that have helped me learn to cope with the seasonal depression so it has gotten easier each year.  The sign of the spring tulips and daffodils in my front yard always bring a sigh of relief that it's over, and I will soon be outside again!

A few years ago I planted literally hundreds of bulbs in my front yard.  Several shades of pink tulips intertwined with yellow and white daffodils.  They were my favorite thing about my flowerbeds.  Well, about 18 months ago in the fall I started noticing dirt mounds in my flower bed.  I didn't know what they were coming from.  After a few weeks though I realized it must be some sort of animal doing it...and not my 3 year old.  The mounds started following the path of my bulbs.  Within days there were mounds of dirt lining the entire length of my flower bed right where all my bulbs were planted.

The next spring I waited anxiously to see if any of my precious bulbs started to break the ground.  I was thrilled to see the green starting to come through in early March.  I was however sad to find a month later that it was only the daffodils that survived the thief in my flowerbed.  An entire row of hundreds of bulbs mixed and the rodent had eaten every one of my tulips but not one of the daffodils.

I had put so much work into those flowers.  I spent hours on my knees planting them and placing them perfectly so that they would have the perfect mix of color.  I was happy to have the daffodils, but also defeated at the thought of trying to plant more tulips to replace the last ones...especially if the underground thief came back!

This year when my daffodils were in full bloom I had a life lesson to learn.  We were pulling up to the house and my son said to me, "Look Mom, all your flowers have bloomed, they look so pretty."  I am ashamed to admit to my response, "I can't even appreciate them; all I see is the absence of the beautiful pink tulips that should be in full bloom too."  It wasn't a day later, or even an hour later that I learned this life lesson...it was literally the moment those words left my mouth.

When I looked at hundreds of white and yellow daffodils (one of my very favorite flowers) I didn't see the beauty in them.  They were perfect and beautiful just the way they were.  All I saw was what was lacking.  I had a "plan" for my flowerbed.  I planted them, took care of them, and then watched helplessly as something stole them from me.  I wanted them back.  When I looked at my flowers I wanted to see what I had envisioned, what I had worked for, and what I had planted.  I was focusing on what I thought I should have instead of seeing what I did have.  The flowers in my front yard looked fantastic.  When I removed the thought of what should be there and stood back to look at what was there, it was perfectly beautiful.

How often in life do we overlook the beauty of what we have been given, because we are only focusing on the beauty that was taken from us?

When life throws us a curve ball, (death, divorce, loss of a child, trials, tragedy, or even everyday changes that we didn't plan on) it can change the way our life looks.  It can change the people in our life, change our family, change our hearts, and change our plans.  We can find ourselves with a completely different life path.  I've said before, one of my favorite quotes is- "We can't choose our trials in life but we can choose how we deal with them, we can become better or bitter."  We have a choice on how it changes us.  If we allow ourselves to change with it, we can be humbled by it, become better because of it, and grow in faith through it then we will find ourselves in a beautiful life.  It may not be the life plan you had thought about, taken care of, or planted.  But that doesn't take away from the beauty of it.  If we allow ourselves to only look at what we should have had, what was taken from us, and become bitter because of it, we could miss out on the beauty that is right in front of us.  

I had planned for a perfect little life, raising my family with Jake on a cattle ranch in a small town.  For over seven blissful years I enjoyed that life.  The last 10 years has been full of ups and downs, devastating realities and awe inspiring miracles.  My life is far more beautiful than I had ever planned or hoped for, even with the knowledge of what was taken from me.  The lessons I've learned and that my children have learned are priceless.  We are becoming the people we need to be.  We have more love and compassion for people.  My relationship with my Savior and Heavenly Father is far stronger because of the need to rely on them for survival.  My happiness now far exceeds anything that I could comprehend when my life was devastated and changed forever 10 years ago.  I am so thankful for all I have and the pure beauty I see in my life.

This week try looking for the beauty in your life.  Appreciate what you have been given instead of focusing on what was taken from you, or the things you want that have not yet come.  Allow yourself to find happiness during times of trial by seeing the beautiful life you have been given.

*A note to those grieving.  I am in no way saying that things are easy.  I believe that grief is real, hard, heavy, and excruciating.  It is something that comes in waves, you will be doing great and then it will come out of nowhere and knock you down again.  Allowing me to work through my grief, riding the good waves and enduring the times it crashed down upon me is how I have found peace and happiness.  I get better and stronger with each wave that comes.  I will grieve for Jake my entire life, but I will also have happiness, love and hope throughout my life.  Seeing the beauty in your life now doesn't diminish the beauty of your life before the loss.  I would never say I have "moved on" from my loss...I say that I am moving through my loss.

To read my original post click here.

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Dating and Marrying a Widow...

The thought of having to be in the dating world again after your spouse dies is terrifying.  There are a lot of reasons for this, these were some of mine...

-We still feel married first of all, so we battle the feeling that we may be doing something wrong and are betraying our spouse.  (I still wore my wedding ring for several dates)

-Sometimes we are still processing our grief and will end up talking about our late spouse the entire date...or at least more than we should.  We may or may not discuss in great detail how they died as well.

-We can be a ticking time bomb in a way and may have something happen to trigger our grief and emotion.  I remember a date to a movie with a guy.  At the beginning of the movie they showed  a preview for a movie about a coal mine. (Jake died in a coal mine)  Then to make it worse we saw Just Like Heaven and it was about a girl trapped in a coma but her spirit was trapped in her apartment...bottom line...she was basically dead, and then comes back to life for her happily ever after.  What most widows dream will happen to their spouse.  Anyway, that date was a trigger for me, and needless to say it was my last date with him.  *When you find a guy that doesn't run if you have a trigger on a date you may have a keeper;)

-Dating and being a single parent is difficult!!!  You don't have to worry about your parents staying up for you...it's worse, you have kids waiting up for you.  I also had an infant so the thought of breastfeeding and dating was a fun joke! (read more about that here) I had a stake president tell me I should start going to the singles ward so I could meet someone.  My response,  "They have primary in singles wards?".

-Every time you go on a bad date it sends you back into your "this new life sucks, and I want my real life back" depression.

The list of reasons could go on and on...Please feel free to leave reasons you find the thought of dating as a widow terrifying, (or exciting) either way...this will be fun to see:)

The main topic I want to discuss is only an issue for people in my faith.  We are married and sealed for time and all eternity in our temples.  We believe families are forever and this is the power that makes it possible.  To learn more about my beliefs, Click Here.

-The biggest issue that comes up with dating in the LDS faith is the fact that women while alive can only be sealed to 1 man.  So if we are sealed to our first husband and we don't cancel that sealing we cannot be sealed to our second husband.  Most widows/widowers don't have any intention to cancel their sealings.  This is a very personal decision and I am not passing judgement on any one for their personal choices.  This issue is hard for the widow and also hard for EVERY person she/he dates that belongs to our faith.  So 9 times out of 10 this topic will come up on the FIRST date!  In my experience it only came up on the second date once.  Every other time it was the first date.

Curtis and I had an amazing first date, and it was complete DIVINE intervention that I even said yes;)  But it didn't allow for a lot of talking.  So he waited for the 2nd date to drop the question...

"How can it be possible for you to love someone else the same amount as you love your eternal companion?"

This was a slight variation to the standard question that most men asked, which was, "Why would I date you if I can't be sealed to you?".

I had been dating for about a year, so I had my answers ready.  It didn't make it any easier though, each time I had to endure this conversation.  I responded by telling him that I have 4 kids and I have different relationships with all of them.  I love them all for different reasons and all the relationships have strengths and weaknesses.  But, I don't love any one of them more than the others.  They are all different relationships, but not less.  Our hearts are capable of giving as much love as we are willing to allow.   I am a very loving and loyal person and I knew I was capable of loving someone else as much as I loved Jake.  I was very clear however, that I would never stop loving Jake.  I wasn't looking for a replacement for him.  I was a package deal... me, my four kids, and my dead husband.

Curtis was really sweet how he handled the uncomfortable conversation.  It was by far the best "your sealed to your dead spouse" conversation I had dealt with.  That didn't make it any easier though.  Every time I went through the issues with people it was excruciating.  I felt like I was being punished for having a dead husband.  It wasn't enough that I had to endure the greatest pain I could ever imagine and have my life destroyed in an instant?  But now I was somehow doomed to living my life alone for the next 60 years.  It felt like my options were staying single and lonely.  Or finding someone that wasn't a member of my church and wouldn't have issue with our beliefs, but also wouldn't share my values and the way I wanted to raise my children.  The idea of a man with my same belief having enough faith to marry a widow and trust in God seemed impossible.  But wait...isn't that one of the core beliefs in this gospel?  We must live by faith...hmm

I left the date with Curtis completely defeated!  I cried for a few hours after and had vowed to go back to the sad widow that would never find happiness.  My Dad took me aside and told me that it wasn't fair to give up on Curtis so easily.  He encouraged me to give him another chance, and reminded me that even though I had been processing it for 2+ years it was new for him.  He needed a chance to wrap his head around it too.  Curtis knew that I was upset after the date so he had tried to call a few times.  I never answered the phone.  My idea of giving him a second chance was to send him...what he calls a "nasty gram".  I wrote him a short email about my feelings including the phrase, "I don't think I even like you and yet you want me to discuss spending eternity with you.  I would just like to be able to go on a date with out having to try and solve the mysteries of the eternities!"  I figured that Curtis would go running after that, but I could tell my dad that I had given him a second chance;).  Well, Curtis surprised me by calling and leaving a very sweet message about the fact that I was right and he apologized for upsetting me.  He asked if he could make it up to me and take me out again.  Our third date was much better...but he had planned it with a friend of his that had married a widow...we have never gone out with them since...coincidence I'm sure;)

To be continued with a blog post from Curtis in the next few days!!!

Read Part 2 from Curtis here.

*I would love to hear your funny experiences, or the way people bring up the sealing issue in the comments section! Sometimes it helps to have a good laugh at all our problems to lighten the load just a little:)

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What Makes a Winning Season?!?

*Fanatics is currently running a challenge called Family Fanatics, so I’ve decided to submit this story to be a part of the initiative. Fanatics is an online retailer of all sorts of sports merchandise and apparel: MLB caps, NBA jerseys, and much more.

We all say it when our kids are playing sports..."It's not about winning, it's about how you play the game."  I have heard coaches say this for years as well as parents.  But, do they really believe that?  Do they really mean it?  Is it about how you play the game?

It is more fun to win!  I have been on winning teams and I have been on losing teams...(when I say "I", I mean my kids)  It is always more fun to win.  However, there are good lessons to be learned from losing as well.  Sometimes in the world of sports, it can mean a lot more than just lessons in winning or losing a game...it can change a child's life!

I wonder what kind of coach I am going to be dealing with every new season we start.   In my 13 years of sports, 5 sons, playing baseball, basketball and football I have seen a lot of different kinds of coaches.  I still get anxiety when I see a coach from a baseball season 3 years ago for one of my older sons.  To this day that season still remains my worst season ever!!! I still feel a twinge of anger when I see Jordy's coach from one of his beginning years of football.  They figured out that he had a really high pain threshold and used him as tackling practice for his "X" men until I realized what they were doing!  There have been coaches that are there for one reason...promote their own son, (regardless of the son's abilities).  There have been coaches that don't have a son playing at all.  They coach every year the same age group for our baseball league just to provide an excellent learning experience from coaches that know the game.  (His adult son would come to some of the practices and he was a pro...of some sort?!)  The majority are just good Dad's trying to be involved with their kids and provide a fun year for their teams.

Once in a lifetime though you find a Coach like Rick Medina.  The first time I saw him I was terrified!  He looked really intense and was the coach for Jordy's team for 9 and 10 year olds.  He was showing the kids different baseball hand signals that he would be using.  It was clear he knew the game of baseball, and by appearances it looked like he planned on winning!  I looked over at my dad and said, "We are screwed!"

Jordy was pretty good at baseball.  He LOVES the game.  He is more athletically inclined than some of my "typical" kids.  But, he is autistic, and he has learning disabilities, including auditory processing which makes it hard to understand directions, and even harder to follow them.  His expressive language is much higher than his receptive language, which means...he talks like he knows and understands what people are talking about.  He will even tell you he understands...but in reality he doesn't have a clue of what you just asked him to do.  Up until this year he could blend into the other kids that were just a little naughty and didn't "want" to listen.  Not this year.  The kids have all matured and can understand and follow complex directions.  Jordy knows to hit the ball, catch the ball, and run the bases faster than anyone on your team.  That's what he could do, and that was all he was capable of.  I was going to have to tell the Coach that Jordy had a learning disability and would need everything simplified.  He would always need to say Jordy's name a few times, make sure he had eye contact, and touch his shoulder or arm to have any chance of Jordy knowing that he was talking to him.  It was still unlikely he would do what the coach asked.  I hoped and prayed that this intense looking coach would have some patience for him...and then I prepared for a horrible year, knowing that it was most likely Jordy's last season playing.

Well, I could not have been more wrong in my quick judgment of the intense looking coach.  Rick Medina is a man that knows what is important in this life.  He is a man that wants to teach his son more than just baseball, he want's to teach him compassion for other's that don't have it as easy as the rest of the players.  He wants to teach all the player's patience, kindness and the importance of every player on the team.  But more than anything he wants to make Jordy feel successful, he wants Jordy to know that he is a valued team member, and they couldn't do it with out him on the team.  He wants to build his confidence and provide an atmosphere where Jordy can feel like every other kid and progress in his baseball skills.  He is one of the nicest guys I have ever met.

The first year we played with him we had a losing year.  We won some games and lost some games.  But Jordy loved his team and loved Coach Rick!  They do a draft every two years in our league and I was thrilled we would get one more year to play.  Our second year playing the team really improved.  We were undefeated and having an amazing year.  I was amazed at Rick's patience for Jordy.  At times it seemed better than my own patience for him!  He never once snapped regardless of how bad his timing was.

-To give context to what it is like to Coach (or even be around) Jordy-

We call Jordy the question master.  He asks questions...well, constantly.  He wants to pitch every new inning...he isn't a pitcher.  He doesn't like to play out field because it's "too boring"...and he isn't afraid of saying it.  Last year he had his major OCD breakdown (click here to read about it) during baseball.  He would take his hat off to pray while playing second base every minute or so.  (The baseball season last year during that time was the only relief and joy that Jordy had from his OCD)  He asks the Coach questions during the game, regardless of what is going on almost constantly.  He interrupts the pre-game pep talks, the post-game pep talks, and through the entire game follows the coach around like a puppy dog asking his questions!

I worry every time that Jordy does this.  It wears even the best of people out.  Last season there was a time that I thought Rick would lose it, and I wouldn't have blamed him a bit.  We had an undefeated season so the pressure got more and more intense for keeping it that way with each game.  We had first place in our sights and the whole team could feel it.  Well, we had a few really bad innings and we were losing bad.  I can't remember exactly what had happened but I remember that something had caused our coach to go meet with the other coach and the umpire.  It was a heated discussion.  As coach Rick came back toward the dugout Jordy ran out to meet him half way...I could see the frustration on Rick's face with the call that had just been made.  "Coach, Coach, Coach, can I pitch next inning?" Jordy begged.  (Here it comes...he is going to snap at him and just crush him) I winced...trying to call Jordy back to the dugout.  Rick looked down at Jordy's face, put his arm around his shoulder and with a smile said, "we'll see big kid".  I couldn't believe the pure kindness I witnessed my autistic son receive...this in not something that happens often!

Toward the end of the season Jordy had been practicing his pitching and the Coach had promised to put him in.  Usually he would wait for a comfortable lead to put in kids that wanted to learn to pitch.  Rick had made a promise, so even though we didn't have a comfortable lead he put Jordy in to pitch.  I was a bundle of nerves watching him pitch, worried that he would do terrible and we would lose the game.  Jordy pitched 3 innings in a row striking out most of the players.  They didn't score any runs during all 3 innings and we won the game!  Everyone was cheering for Jordy!  He was the hero of the game and was on top of the world!  It was the highlight of his sports career!  He will always remember that!

During another game it would be the coach's son, Ricky that would cause me to wipe away tears at the baseball game.  We were down 3 runs and Jordy was up to bat, with 2 outs in the last inning of the game.  The pitcher threw fast and hard and it caught Jordy right in the back.  He dropped in pain, (which is very unusual with his high pain tolerance) so I knew he was hurt pretty bad.  Jordy tried to jump up and hobbled through sobs to first base trying to suck it up.  The bases were now loaded.  Ricky was up next...the coach's son.  With a swift swing of his bat he hits a Grand Slam.  The crowd went crazy!  We were jumping up and down screaming for Ricky and for our team!  We came back and won the game!  I rushed over to the dugout to meet Jordy in there and make sure he wasn't hurt too bad.  The team all ran out to Ricky to slap him with their mitts and cheer him on for hitting a Grand Slam and winning the game.  I watched as Ricky pushed through all his teammates and coaches and headed straight for Jordy, he patted him on the back and with sincerity asked Jordy, "Are you ok?  I'm sorry you got hit so hard!"  I honestly cried.  I don't know any other 10 year old boy that after hitting a Grand Slam would give up his moment of glory to make sure his teammate was ok.  Amazing coach=amazing son!

Jordy and Ricky

Last year we ended up in second place over-all.  Jordy will always remember that season.  The league made year books that could be purchased at the end of the season...I almost didn't buy one.  Jordy begged to get one though and I gave in.  He has carried that year book with him for a year now.  He reads and rereads it everyday.  He sleeps with it at night.  It has pictures of every team in the league and has the players names and coaches names in it.  I never really looked at it until a couple weeks ago when Jordy said, "Oh Mom, I just love reading this part!"  I finally took the time to read what the coach had put on our team page.  I had looked at it several times when he showed me...but hadn't read it.  Tears flowed again as I read the words that Jordy had been clinging to for a year.  The first couple lines tell the players names.  Then it tells about Ricky's awesome Home Run that won the game, and another kid on the team catching a game saving fly ball.  Then the words..."Jordy Jorgensen pitched a shutout 3 innings to secure the win for the Cardinals in his second debut of the year."  What a gift for the coach to give Jordy.  I thanked Rick at the next game that we had and told him about the tattered book that Jordy has cherished for the last year.

This year is our third year with Coach Rick and Ricky.  The amazing thing with Rick is that he didn't give up on Jordy once he found out that Jordy was autistic.  He has continued to treat him like all the boys.  Coach Rick has taken the time to figure out how Jordy learns best and coaches him!  He has helped him to continue to improve his skills and become a better player with each game.  Jordy thinks he is the best player on the team...and at times, it seems like he thinks he is one of the coaches too.  To most kids on his team Rick will always be the awesome fun coach that taught them a lot.  To Jordy and to me...Rick will always be the Coach that gave Jordy the best baseball years of his life.  He is the coach that has made it so that Jordy could continue to play in the same league as all his friends.  Coach Rick has made Jordy feel like a star player!  He has been the coach that has allowed me, the Mom not worry that Jordy is going to have a bad experience or be bullied.  Regardless of winning and losing the games, our years with Coach Rick will be remembered as the time when I saw a coach really understand that it doesn't matter if you win or lose the game, it's how you play the game. 

That is how to truly have a winning season!

Thank you Coach Rick and Ricky for all you have done for us...we will never forget it!

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Finding Peace in Finding God's Will...

Ten years ago I had a prayer that I offered very often. "Please bless Jake to be safe at work."  Usually, after that part of my prayer the words would come, "Please help me to accept Thy will in my life."  This prayer was offered several times a day.  I had a special blessing given to me in my youth, counseling me to 'learn to accept God's will in my life'.  I took that counsel very seriously then and still do to this day.  I continue to pray for it daily.  

In December of 2003 I began to have the feeling that something bad was going to happen to us.  Jake and I had many trials in our 7 years of marriage.  Looking back, they weren't too terrible of trials, but at the time they were hard for us to endure, and seemed to come frequently.  In December we had enjoyed 18 months of pure bliss; free from these trials.  We were in our dream house, had 3 perfect little boys and were truly very happy.  I developed a nagging feeling that something was bound to happen because things had been perfect a little too long.  I talked with Jake about my worried feelings.  He told me to stop looking for trials, and to enjoy that Heavenly Father was blessing us.  He pointed out that he was the Young Men's President and I was the Primary President and we were being blessed for living right and for our service.  I could see his point, but my bad feeling didn't go away.  I started praying about it regularly, asking Heavenly Father to bless us that nothing bad would happen.  Then one night my prayer was different.  As I thought about the impending trial, I heard myself say, "I can do this, I can get through this, with Thy help."  I was surprised by my words and immediately followed it up with, "Except Jake!  You can't take Jake from me please!"  Jake died 3 weeks later.  (Part of me still looks forward to saying to Jake, "I told you so!")

The words from that prayer stay with me today.  I knew...I believe that my spirit knew what was about to happen.  The words 'I can get through this with Thy help' remind me that I somehow knew Jake was going to die, and I knew I would need to rely on the Savior's atonement and my Heavenly Father to be able to get through it!  

So as I prayed for Jake's safety, I also prayed to accept God's will in my life.  I didn't realize how big of a trial was coming and why it was important for me to accept God's will in life.  When Jake died I understood why I was given that counsel and why it would be something that I should start praying for at a very young age.  I had 10+ years of prayers to back my plea..."Help me to accept Thy will in my life".  It is a prayer I will continue to have for the rest of my life. As the years have continued on, my desire to accept God's will has been increased.  I have realized that there is a purpose to what has happened to my children and myself.  There are lessons we need to learn and there is a plan for each one of us that required us to go through this devastating tragedy.  We are all different people than we would have been.  As my understanding of this has increased in the last 10 years, I have added to that prayer by asking, "Help me FIND Thy will in my life."

I have had a strong feeling that I should share my story and experiences in my life with people.  I have had many Priesthood Blessings given to me and they always say the same thing.  "It is important that you share your story, testimony and experiences with many people."  I have tried to be open about my experiences and I offer my testimony as often as I can.  About two years ago in 2012 just after Cam was diagnosed with 22q and all his other health issues I started having a quiet but intensely compelling feeling. "I felt like I should be doing something that I wasn't yet doing."  I needed to share my story.  I thought, pondered and prayed hard to figure out what it was that Heavenly Father wanted me to do.  I didn't know how to share my story more than I already was.  The timing wasn't right for me to really start doing more.  Cam had several tests and puzzles that would need to be put together in the next several months.  My baby girl was just 6 months old when the feelings started and she needed me home with her when I wasn't putting Cam's puzzle together.  But, the feeling persisted.  

I told a few people in our Stake that I would be willing to talk about my life experiences to a youth group or the Relief Society.  Shortly after I mentioned it the Presidencies were changed and nothing ever came of it.  I decided to just do what I could and continue to pray to be able to figure out what God's will in my life was.  Several months later my sister asked me to write my story for a girl's blog that she followed called My Name is Jacy.  She has a "My Name is"...series where she spotlights women who have had struggles in their lives, but have managed to be resilient and still be happy.  The blog series can by found at www.mynameisjacy.com. I was excited and nervous about writing my story.  I knew it was the next step I had been searching for.  The story was done in a 2 part series and was shared with over 6,000 viewers.  I was amazed at the response and how many people read it.  It was awesome.  I still had the feelings that there was more to what I should be doing, but it was nice to feel like I had found at least one way to share my story.  I put the story on my personal blog for Cam, for the purpose of being able to print it when I had Cam's blog made into a book.  There it sat dormant for the next 14 months.   

I continued to pray to be able to find God's will in my life.  I started to feel frustrated with the situation.  I felt that I had done all I could do to figure it out, but nothing was happening.  The feeling was overwhelming and at times it felt like a burden.  As I neared the 10th anniversary of Jake's death in January 2014, I asked Heavenly Father to allow the feeling to go away.  I expressed to Him that I felt I had done all I could do.  If there was nothing more for me to do then I needed Him to bless me with peace to know that I had accomplished what He needed me to do and I could move on.  Just three days after I offered that prayer there was a struggling widow on a closed Facebook LDS widow/widower's group.  I shared my blog post with her in the hopes it could help her find her path to happiness.  The next day we started receiving out of state text messages from friends and family asking us if we were aware that my blog was all over the internet.  We were not aware of it at all.  I couldn't even remember how to sign into my blog at first.  I hadn't updated it in over a year.  When I finally remember the password that Saturday night my post had over 45,000 views and was gaining 200-300 more views every 5 seconds.  The next day it reached 250,000 views and continued to climb.  I had hundreds of messages coming in from all over the world.  Amazing messages about love, acceptance, grief, inspiration, and testimonies.  The feeling was overwhelming, exciting, and very humbling.  My prayer was answered loud and clear...I am not done sharing my story and I haven't finished what Heavenly Father wants me to do.

In just 2 months the blog has reached all over the world and is over 600,000 views.  In February our local newspaper, Deseret News featured my story on the front page of The Mormon Times section.  I am starting to see the next steps I should take.  

I continue to pray that I will find God's will in my life and find people to help me accomplish this mission.  I was asked to speak for a widow's conference a couple of weeks ago.  I have thought about speaking for years but have had only a few opportunities to.  I decided that it would need to be a positive in my life if I was going to do it.  We still have a lot of stress and problems in our lives and I didn't want to willingly add stress.  I decided I would pray about it, but not really prepare for it.  I wasn't going to get all worked up and nervous and allow it to consume me.  I didn't want it taking time or energy from my kids or family.  I figured, I know my testimony and I know my story so I will literally go and teach by the spirit.  It will either be great, or terrible and from this experiment, I will know if speaking is something I want to do more of.  Luckily we had some step family drama come up the week of the conference.  I say 'luckily' because it took all my nerves and negative feelings and I truly didn't have the time to stress over speaking.  I think Heavenly Father knows me well, and knew that even if I tried to stick with my no-stress plan I wouldn't be able to.  So he added a nice distraction for me that would use up that energy. 

As I sat in the meeting just before it was my turn to speak I felt... relaxed.  I wasn't getting that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach like I normally do just before bearing my testimony or giving a lesson.  I just felt calm.  When it came time for me to speak I said a little prayer that I would have the spirit guide my words.  I stood up and spoke for nearly an hour.  I wasn't nervous or scared.  The words flowed from me freely and I felt a feeling of peace and calm.  It was a sacred experience.  Curtis was amazing and came to support me.  He added a fun element of being able to come up and talk with me about our courtship and God's hand in our lives.  It was the first time in the last 10 years that I KNEW I was doing exactly what Heavenly Father wanted me to do.  I LOVED speaking!  By sharing my story, I was giving hope and sharing how Heavenly Father has helped me through these trials.  I was sharing a testimony of the atonement and it's healing power.  I was sharing the lessons God has taught me so that He could teach them as well. 

I have been asked to speak for the Stake Relief Society Women's Conference in Lacey, Washington in May.  I am so excited to go and meet the sister's in Washington and feel of their spirits.  I look forward to having more opportunities to speak and share Heavenly Father's message of his love to us during times of trial.  This isn't a path or plan that I would have guessed that I would be on.  As I find myself here though, I feel a tremendous amount of love for my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.  I am in awe of the miracles and blessings I have received during my trials of faith.  I am thankful for all the things I have been taught in these last several years.  I am still trying to search and find God's will in my life.  With each new step I take I am finding great peace and comfort knowing that I am on the right path.  I am excited to see where these steps will take me, and I am so thankful to be even a small part of spreading Christ's love and light on this earth.  

My name is Julie and I have found peace accepting God's Will in my life.

I know that God has a plan for each one of us.  I encourage you to search for His Will in your life and be willing to submit yourself to His Will.  Submitting to His Will is not a passive thing as we are moral agents to act, and not to be acted upon. Have a true desire to accept what it is He is asking of you.  God has provided us a way through the atonement of Jesus Christ to be able to endure all of our trials.  I have a strong testimony and know that to be true.  With the hard things in our life many miraculous things come as well.  Look for your miracles and find joy and peace in YOUR unique path.  God loves you and believes in you.

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Good News for Cam!

All kids should go to the doctor for a "well-child" visit once a year.  When you have medical concerns or health problems there are a lot more Doctors to see than just your once a year well-child visit.  Cam's syndrome 22q11.2 deletion and PVNH causes global health and developmental problems because of the fact that he is literaly missing part of his genetic code.  I would like to say, that even though we go to more Doctor appt.s than the typical kids do...we have it pretty good in the 22q/PVNH world and I am grateful for that.  My heart goes out to all my online support group friends that have it much worse than we do most days.  All the kids are different...but they share one common thread.  They all have to endure way more than most!

Our annual "well-child visits" include: Neurology, Nephrology, Kidney Ultrasound, Cardiologist, Echo, Endocronologist, several blood work draws,  immunology (every 3 years), not to mention his ongoing Speech Therapy that remains weekly/biweekly appointments, and his actual "well-child" from his pediatrician.  We are at the beginning of all our yearly appt.s but got some slightly good news today from the Nephrologist (kidney specialist) that I didn't want to wait to share!

Drum Roll please....Cam's kidney grew a little bit!  It still isn't near the size they want it to be, and still shows no signs of Hypertrophy (compensating growth) for only being born with one kidney.  It is good news because last year he was worried that it was done growing.  We can hope and pray for continued growth.  His kidney function score didn't get any lower also!  It scores 85-90 which is just below the low normal standards (normal being 120).  It's not great...but it didn't get any worse, so we are thrilled!

What really kills me with this little trooper is his awesome attitude.  When the nurse asked him to pee in a cup today, he giggled and said, "sure" in an adorable little 5 yr old voice not pronouncing the "r".  He lays perfectly still as they are doing the Ultra Sound on his tummy and back until they have all the images they want.  He had to have his blood drawn twice in the last month and he didn't cry either time.  I don't know if it's worse than when I used to have to hold him down while he cried as they drew his blood.  I am glad that he has developed a tolerance and it doesn't upset him anymore.  But, it stings a little that he has had to endure it so often that it doesn't even phase him anymore.  No five year old should be ok with needles entering the veins! (Again, it really could be so much worse for him!)  We will enjoy this time when it's just follow up appt.s to make sure everything is ok, and continue to pray the appt.s always remain that way!

Hugs and kisses from this kid...truly fill my soul!  I love him to pieces and I'm so grateful to have him as mine.  I'm one of the lucky ones:)

The Resurrection

I was 26 when I became a widow.  I had 3 young sons and a baby on the way.  Jax was 6, Josh was 3 and Jordy was just 1 year old.  Our world was crushed in an instant and we were left holding the pieces trying to figure out how to put it all back together.  It’s been over 10 years and I find everyday that this is still a learning process for us.

As I ponder the life of Jesus Christ, his atonement, his death, and his resurrection I am truly inspired.  I have a testimony of my Savior and I love him completely.  I find great comfort and strength in his atoning sacrifice for my sins and my sorrows.  It is the only thing that could have saved me, and has gotten me through this trial of grief and loss.  Recently in a meeting at church the question was asked, “Why does having a testimony of the resurrection bring you feelings of hope and determination?”  The word determination was so interesting to think about.  A story from my past came flooding back into my mind.  The spirit was so overwhelming when I answered that question in my heart.  

It was a mild spring day in March of 2004.  It had only been a few weeks since we had buried the love of our lives.  I say lives because, my boys loved their Daddy completely.  The loss they felt was to their core.  They cried everyday for their Daddy to come back.  I decided to take my boys up to visit the cemetery where their Daddy had been buried.  The grass had recently been laid and anyone that saw it would know that someone recently lost their life and had been laid to rest there.  I parked the car and we all walked slowly over to the spot in the grass that was our Daddy’s.  I sat down while my kids looked around and played for a minute.  I wasn't prepared for what was coming next and I will never forget it.


Josh who was 3 years old came over to Jake’s grave.  He got down on his knees and began to talk to his Dad.  “Daddy please tell Jesus that he needs to come back down now so you can come back too.”  He looked at me with sadness in his eyes, but also a little hope. Tears rolled down his tiny cheeks.  He said it again but this time he put his hands down on the ground and put his face very close to the grass so his Daddy could hear him better.  “Please, daddy, Please." he pleaded.  "Tell Jesus it’s time to come back so you can be alive again.  I miss you and you need to come back now.”  I couldn't hide the tears in my eyes as I tried to explain to my 3 year old little boy that even though we wished Daddy could come back to life it wasn’t time yet.  He sobbed in my arms and asked me if we could just dig him up to make sure.

I wanted Jake to come back too.  My heart ached for him and I felt that I couldn’t live another day without him.  How could I explain to my three year old what I didn't understand either?  I shared every sob and irrational thought that my little children had.  We wanted him back, we needed him, we couldn't survive with out him.  It was time for Jesus to come back so we could be relieved of this awful pain and misery that was our existence now.

     
      We left the cemetery that day empty handed.  Even with the prayer's and plea's of a little boy that needed his Daddy.  Jake didn’t come back to life and come home with us like we so desperately wanted.  We have left the cemetery dozens of times since then, every time empty handed. 

I think about Mary going to mourn for Christ at his tomb and finding it empty and I can imagine how she felt.  I am sure at first the feelings were close to panic wondering where he was and who had taken him.  I am not sure, however that I can even comprehend her feelings when she heard the words, “He is not here, for he is Risen”.


So back to that question- "“Why does having a testimony of the resurrection bring you feelings of hope and determination?”  My testimony of the Resurrection gives me hope, because I know that one day we won’t leave the cemetery empty handed. The pleadings of a 3 year old little boy will finally be answered. The words, “He is not here, for he is risen” will apply to all of us, and there will be no more grief and mourning in our hearts.  It gives me determination to live my life following the teachings of Christ and enduring to the end so that I will be worthy to have the blessings of an eternal family when that day comes.  The Gospel of Jesus Christ is true.  The Savior died for us and took upon himself the sins and sorrows of the world.  He was resurrected and I know that one day we will all be resurrected as well.  
    
       The amazing thing about God's plan for opposition in all things is that when you have been through excruciating pain and anguish you know that one day you will experience exceedingly great joy and happiness that is equal to the pain you felt.  This day for me will be the day that my family is reunited, all of us together again, forever.

My Name is Julie and I have a testimony of the Resurrection that gives me hope and determination!