What Makes a Winning Season?!?

*Fanatics is currently running a challenge called Family Fanatics, so I’ve decided to submit this story to be a part of the initiative. Fanatics is an online retailer of all sorts of sports merchandise and apparel: MLB caps, NBA jerseys, and much more.

We all say it when our kids are playing sports..."It's not about winning, it's about how you play the game."  I have heard coaches say this for years as well as parents.  But, do they really believe that?  Do they really mean it?  Is it about how you play the game?

It is more fun to win!  I have been on winning teams and I have been on losing teams...(when I say "I", I mean my kids)  It is always more fun to win.  However, there are good lessons to be learned from losing as well.  Sometimes in the world of sports, it can mean a lot more than just lessons in winning or losing a game...it can change a child's life!

I wonder what kind of coach I am going to be dealing with every new season we start.   In my 13 years of sports, 5 sons, playing baseball, basketball and football I have seen a lot of different kinds of coaches.  I still get anxiety when I see a coach from a baseball season 3 years ago for one of my older sons.  To this day that season still remains my worst season ever!!! I still feel a twinge of anger when I see Jordy's coach from one of his beginning years of football.  They figured out that he had a really high pain threshold and used him as tackling practice for his "X" men until I realized what they were doing!  There have been coaches that are there for one reason...promote their own son, (regardless of the son's abilities).  There have been coaches that don't have a son playing at all.  They coach every year the same age group for our baseball league just to provide an excellent learning experience from coaches that know the game.  (His adult son would come to some of the practices and he was a pro...of some sort?!)  The majority are just good Dad's trying to be involved with their kids and provide a fun year for their teams.

Once in a lifetime though you find a Coach like Rick Medina.  The first time I saw him I was terrified!  He looked really intense and was the coach for Jordy's team for 9 and 10 year olds.  He was showing the kids different baseball hand signals that he would be using.  It was clear he knew the game of baseball, and by appearances it looked like he planned on winning!  I looked over at my dad and said, "We are screwed!"

Jordy was pretty good at baseball.  He LOVES the game.  He is more athletically inclined than some of my "typical" kids.  But, he is autistic, and he has learning disabilities, including auditory processing which makes it hard to understand directions, and even harder to follow them.  His expressive language is much higher than his receptive language, which means...he talks like he knows and understands what people are talking about.  He will even tell you he understands...but in reality he doesn't have a clue of what you just asked him to do.  Up until this year he could blend into the other kids that were just a little naughty and didn't "want" to listen.  Not this year.  The kids have all matured and can understand and follow complex directions.  Jordy knows to hit the ball, catch the ball, and run the bases faster than anyone on your team.  That's what he could do, and that was all he was capable of.  I was going to have to tell the Coach that Jordy had a learning disability and would need everything simplified.  He would always need to say Jordy's name a few times, make sure he had eye contact, and touch his shoulder or arm to have any chance of Jordy knowing that he was talking to him.  It was still unlikely he would do what the coach asked.  I hoped and prayed that this intense looking coach would have some patience for him...and then I prepared for a horrible year, knowing that it was most likely Jordy's last season playing.

Well, I could not have been more wrong in my quick judgment of the intense looking coach.  Rick Medina is a man that knows what is important in this life.  He is a man that wants to teach his son more than just baseball, he want's to teach him compassion for other's that don't have it as easy as the rest of the players.  He wants to teach all the player's patience, kindness and the importance of every player on the team.  But more than anything he wants to make Jordy feel successful, he wants Jordy to know that he is a valued team member, and they couldn't do it with out him on the team.  He wants to build his confidence and provide an atmosphere where Jordy can feel like every other kid and progress in his baseball skills.  He is one of the nicest guys I have ever met.

The first year we played with him we had a losing year.  We won some games and lost some games.  But Jordy loved his team and loved Coach Rick!  They do a draft every two years in our league and I was thrilled we would get one more year to play.  Our second year playing the team really improved.  We were undefeated and having an amazing year.  I was amazed at Rick's patience for Jordy.  At times it seemed better than my own patience for him!  He never once snapped regardless of how bad his timing was.

-To give context to what it is like to Coach (or even be around) Jordy-

We call Jordy the question master.  He asks questions...well, constantly.  He wants to pitch every new inning...he isn't a pitcher.  He doesn't like to play out field because it's "too boring"...and he isn't afraid of saying it.  Last year he had his major OCD breakdown (click here to read about it) during baseball.  He would take his hat off to pray while playing second base every minute or so.  (The baseball season last year during that time was the only relief and joy that Jordy had from his OCD)  He asks the Coach questions during the game, regardless of what is going on almost constantly.  He interrupts the pre-game pep talks, the post-game pep talks, and through the entire game follows the coach around like a puppy dog asking his questions!

I worry every time that Jordy does this.  It wears even the best of people out.  Last season there was a time that I thought Rick would lose it, and I wouldn't have blamed him a bit.  We had an undefeated season so the pressure got more and more intense for keeping it that way with each game.  We had first place in our sights and the whole team could feel it.  Well, we had a few really bad innings and we were losing bad.  I can't remember exactly what had happened but I remember that something had caused our coach to go meet with the other coach and the umpire.  It was a heated discussion.  As coach Rick came back toward the dugout Jordy ran out to meet him half way...I could see the frustration on Rick's face with the call that had just been made.  "Coach, Coach, Coach, can I pitch next inning?" Jordy begged.  (Here it comes...he is going to snap at him and just crush him) I winced...trying to call Jordy back to the dugout.  Rick looked down at Jordy's face, put his arm around his shoulder and with a smile said, "we'll see big kid".  I couldn't believe the pure kindness I witnessed my autistic son receive...this in not something that happens often!

Toward the end of the season Jordy had been practicing his pitching and the Coach had promised to put him in.  Usually he would wait for a comfortable lead to put in kids that wanted to learn to pitch.  Rick had made a promise, so even though we didn't have a comfortable lead he put Jordy in to pitch.  I was a bundle of nerves watching him pitch, worried that he would do terrible and we would lose the game.  Jordy pitched 3 innings in a row striking out most of the players.  They didn't score any runs during all 3 innings and we won the game!  Everyone was cheering for Jordy!  He was the hero of the game and was on top of the world!  It was the highlight of his sports career!  He will always remember that!

During another game it would be the coach's son, Ricky that would cause me to wipe away tears at the baseball game.  We were down 3 runs and Jordy was up to bat, with 2 outs in the last inning of the game.  The pitcher threw fast and hard and it caught Jordy right in the back.  He dropped in pain, (which is very unusual with his high pain tolerance) so I knew he was hurt pretty bad.  Jordy tried to jump up and hobbled through sobs to first base trying to suck it up.  The bases were now loaded.  Ricky was up next...the coach's son.  With a swift swing of his bat he hits a Grand Slam.  The crowd went crazy!  We were jumping up and down screaming for Ricky and for our team!  We came back and won the game!  I rushed over to the dugout to meet Jordy in there and make sure he wasn't hurt too bad.  The team all ran out to Ricky to slap him with their mitts and cheer him on for hitting a Grand Slam and winning the game.  I watched as Ricky pushed through all his teammates and coaches and headed straight for Jordy, he patted him on the back and with sincerity asked Jordy, "Are you ok?  I'm sorry you got hit so hard!"  I honestly cried.  I don't know any other 10 year old boy that after hitting a Grand Slam would give up his moment of glory to make sure his teammate was ok.  Amazing coach=amazing son!

Jordy and Ricky

Last year we ended up in second place over-all.  Jordy will always remember that season.  The league made year books that could be purchased at the end of the season...I almost didn't buy one.  Jordy begged to get one though and I gave in.  He has carried that year book with him for a year now.  He reads and rereads it everyday.  He sleeps with it at night.  It has pictures of every team in the league and has the players names and coaches names in it.  I never really looked at it until a couple weeks ago when Jordy said, "Oh Mom, I just love reading this part!"  I finally took the time to read what the coach had put on our team page.  I had looked at it several times when he showed me...but hadn't read it.  Tears flowed again as I read the words that Jordy had been clinging to for a year.  The first couple lines tell the players names.  Then it tells about Ricky's awesome Home Run that won the game, and another kid on the team catching a game saving fly ball.  Then the words..."Jordy Jorgensen pitched a shutout 3 innings to secure the win for the Cardinals in his second debut of the year."  What a gift for the coach to give Jordy.  I thanked Rick at the next game that we had and told him about the tattered book that Jordy has cherished for the last year.

This year is our third year with Coach Rick and Ricky.  The amazing thing with Rick is that he didn't give up on Jordy once he found out that Jordy was autistic.  He has continued to treat him like all the boys.  Coach Rick has taken the time to figure out how Jordy learns best and coaches him!  He has helped him to continue to improve his skills and become a better player with each game.  Jordy thinks he is the best player on the team...and at times, it seems like he thinks he is one of the coaches too.  To most kids on his team Rick will always be the awesome fun coach that taught them a lot.  To Jordy and to me...Rick will always be the Coach that gave Jordy the best baseball years of his life.  He is the coach that has made it so that Jordy could continue to play in the same league as all his friends.  Coach Rick has made Jordy feel like a star player!  He has been the coach that has allowed me, the Mom not worry that Jordy is going to have a bad experience or be bullied.  Regardless of winning and losing the games, our years with Coach Rick will be remembered as the time when I saw a coach really understand that it doesn't matter if you win or lose the game, it's how you play the game. 

That is how to truly have a winning season!

Thank you Coach Rick and Ricky for all you have done for us...we will never forget it!

*Read my original blog post that went viral here!

**Follow me on my Facebook page!

Finding Peace in Finding God's Will...

Ten years ago I had a prayer that I offered very often. "Please bless Jake to be safe at work."  Usually, after that part of my prayer the words would come, "Please help me to accept Thy will in my life."  This prayer was offered several times a day.  I had a special blessing given to me in my youth, counseling me to 'learn to accept God's will in my life'.  I took that counsel very seriously then and still do to this day.  I continue to pray for it daily.  

In December of 2003 I began to have the feeling that something bad was going to happen to us.  Jake and I had many trials in our 7 years of marriage.  Looking back, they weren't too terrible of trials, but at the time they were hard for us to endure, and seemed to come frequently.  In December we had enjoyed 18 months of pure bliss; free from these trials.  We were in our dream house, had 3 perfect little boys and were truly very happy.  I developed a nagging feeling that something was bound to happen because things had been perfect a little too long.  I talked with Jake about my worried feelings.  He told me to stop looking for trials, and to enjoy that Heavenly Father was blessing us.  He pointed out that he was the Young Men's President and I was the Primary President and we were being blessed for living right and for our service.  I could see his point, but my bad feeling didn't go away.  I started praying about it regularly, asking Heavenly Father to bless us that nothing bad would happen.  Then one night my prayer was different.  As I thought about the impending trial, I heard myself say, "I can do this, I can get through this, with Thy help."  I was surprised by my words and immediately followed it up with, "Except Jake!  You can't take Jake from me please!"  Jake died 3 weeks later.  (Part of me still looks forward to saying to Jake, "I told you so!")

The words from that prayer stay with me today.  I knew...I believe that my spirit knew what was about to happen.  The words 'I can get through this with Thy help' remind me that I somehow knew Jake was going to die, and I knew I would need to rely on the Savior's atonement and my Heavenly Father to be able to get through it!  

So as I prayed for Jake's safety, I also prayed to accept God's will in my life.  I didn't realize how big of a trial was coming and why it was important for me to accept God's will in life.  When Jake died I understood why I was given that counsel and why it would be something that I should start praying for at a very young age.  I had 10+ years of prayers to back my plea..."Help me to accept Thy will in my life".  It is a prayer I will continue to have for the rest of my life. As the years have continued on, my desire to accept God's will has been increased.  I have realized that there is a purpose to what has happened to my children and myself.  There are lessons we need to learn and there is a plan for each one of us that required us to go through this devastating tragedy.  We are all different people than we would have been.  As my understanding of this has increased in the last 10 years, I have added to that prayer by asking, "Help me FIND Thy will in my life."

I have had a strong feeling that I should share my story and experiences in my life with people.  I have had many Priesthood Blessings given to me and they always say the same thing.  "It is important that you share your story, testimony and experiences with many people."  I have tried to be open about my experiences and I offer my testimony as often as I can.  About two years ago in 2012 just after Cam was diagnosed with 22q and all his other health issues I started having a quiet but intensely compelling feeling. "I felt like I should be doing something that I wasn't yet doing."  I needed to share my story.  I thought, pondered and prayed hard to figure out what it was that Heavenly Father wanted me to do.  I didn't know how to share my story more than I already was.  The timing wasn't right for me to really start doing more.  Cam had several tests and puzzles that would need to be put together in the next several months.  My baby girl was just 6 months old when the feelings started and she needed me home with her when I wasn't putting Cam's puzzle together.  But, the feeling persisted.  

I told a few people in our Stake that I would be willing to talk about my life experiences to a youth group or the Relief Society.  Shortly after I mentioned it the Presidencies were changed and nothing ever came of it.  I decided to just do what I could and continue to pray to be able to figure out what God's will in my life was.  Several months later my sister asked me to write my story for a girl's blog that she followed called My Name is Jacy.  She has a "My Name is"...series where she spotlights women who have had struggles in their lives, but have managed to be resilient and still be happy.  The blog series can by found at www.mynameisjacy.com. I was excited and nervous about writing my story.  I knew it was the next step I had been searching for.  The story was done in a 2 part series and was shared with over 6,000 viewers.  I was amazed at the response and how many people read it.  It was awesome.  I still had the feelings that there was more to what I should be doing, but it was nice to feel like I had found at least one way to share my story.  I put the story on my personal blog for Cam, for the purpose of being able to print it when I had Cam's blog made into a book.  There it sat dormant for the next 14 months.   

I continued to pray to be able to find God's will in my life.  I started to feel frustrated with the situation.  I felt that I had done all I could do to figure it out, but nothing was happening.  The feeling was overwhelming and at times it felt like a burden.  As I neared the 10th anniversary of Jake's death in January 2014, I asked Heavenly Father to allow the feeling to go away.  I expressed to Him that I felt I had done all I could do.  If there was nothing more for me to do then I needed Him to bless me with peace to know that I had accomplished what He needed me to do and I could move on.  Just three days after I offered that prayer there was a struggling widow on a closed Facebook LDS widow/widower's group.  I shared my blog post with her in the hopes it could help her find her path to happiness.  The next day we started receiving out of state text messages from friends and family asking us if we were aware that my blog was all over the internet.  We were not aware of it at all.  I couldn't even remember how to sign into my blog at first.  I hadn't updated it in over a year.  When I finally remember the password that Saturday night my post had over 45,000 views and was gaining 200-300 more views every 5 seconds.  The next day it reached 250,000 views and continued to climb.  I had hundreds of messages coming in from all over the world.  Amazing messages about love, acceptance, grief, inspiration, and testimonies.  The feeling was overwhelming, exciting, and very humbling.  My prayer was answered loud and clear...I am not done sharing my story and I haven't finished what Heavenly Father wants me to do.

In just 2 months the blog has reached all over the world and is over 600,000 views.  In February our local newspaper, Deseret News featured my story on the front page of The Mormon Times section.  I am starting to see the next steps I should take.  

I continue to pray that I will find God's will in my life and find people to help me accomplish this mission.  I was asked to speak for a widow's conference a couple of weeks ago.  I have thought about speaking for years but have had only a few opportunities to.  I decided that it would need to be a positive in my life if I was going to do it.  We still have a lot of stress and problems in our lives and I didn't want to willingly add stress.  I decided I would pray about it, but not really prepare for it.  I wasn't going to get all worked up and nervous and allow it to consume me.  I didn't want it taking time or energy from my kids or family.  I figured, I know my testimony and I know my story so I will literally go and teach by the spirit.  It will either be great, or terrible and from this experiment, I will know if speaking is something I want to do more of.  Luckily we had some step family drama come up the week of the conference.  I say 'luckily' because it took all my nerves and negative feelings and I truly didn't have the time to stress over speaking.  I think Heavenly Father knows me well, and knew that even if I tried to stick with my no-stress plan I wouldn't be able to.  So he added a nice distraction for me that would use up that energy. 

As I sat in the meeting just before it was my turn to speak I felt... relaxed.  I wasn't getting that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach like I normally do just before bearing my testimony or giving a lesson.  I just felt calm.  When it came time for me to speak I said a little prayer that I would have the spirit guide my words.  I stood up and spoke for nearly an hour.  I wasn't nervous or scared.  The words flowed from me freely and I felt a feeling of peace and calm.  It was a sacred experience.  Curtis was amazing and came to support me.  He added a fun element of being able to come up and talk with me about our courtship and God's hand in our lives.  It was the first time in the last 10 years that I KNEW I was doing exactly what Heavenly Father wanted me to do.  I LOVED speaking!  By sharing my story, I was giving hope and sharing how Heavenly Father has helped me through these trials.  I was sharing a testimony of the atonement and it's healing power.  I was sharing the lessons God has taught me so that He could teach them as well. 

I have been asked to speak for the Stake Relief Society Women's Conference in Lacey, Washington in May.  I am so excited to go and meet the sister's in Washington and feel of their spirits.  I look forward to having more opportunities to speak and share Heavenly Father's message of his love to us during times of trial.  This isn't a path or plan that I would have guessed that I would be on.  As I find myself here though, I feel a tremendous amount of love for my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.  I am in awe of the miracles and blessings I have received during my trials of faith.  I am thankful for all the things I have been taught in these last several years.  I am still trying to search and find God's will in my life.  With each new step I take I am finding great peace and comfort knowing that I am on the right path.  I am excited to see where these steps will take me, and I am so thankful to be even a small part of spreading Christ's love and light on this earth.  

My name is Julie and I have found peace accepting God's Will in my life.

I know that God has a plan for each one of us.  I encourage you to search for His Will in your life and be willing to submit yourself to His Will.  Submitting to His Will is not a passive thing as we are moral agents to act, and not to be acted upon. Have a true desire to accept what it is He is asking of you.  God has provided us a way through the atonement of Jesus Christ to be able to endure all of our trials.  I have a strong testimony and know that to be true.  With the hard things in our life many miraculous things come as well.  Look for your miracles and find joy and peace in YOUR unique path.  God loves you and believes in you.

*Follow me on my Facebook page!

Good News for Cam!

All kids should go to the doctor for a "well-child" visit once a year.  When you have medical concerns or health problems there are a lot more Doctors to see than just your once a year well-child visit.  Cam's syndrome 22q11.2 deletion and PVNH causes global health and developmental problems because of the fact that he is literaly missing part of his genetic code.  I would like to say, that even though we go to more Doctor appt.s than the typical kids do...we have it pretty good in the 22q/PVNH world and I am grateful for that.  My heart goes out to all my online support group friends that have it much worse than we do most days.  All the kids are different...but they share one common thread.  They all have to endure way more than most!

Our annual "well-child visits" include: Neurology, Nephrology, Kidney Ultrasound, Cardiologist, Echo, Endocronologist, several blood work draws,  immunology (every 3 years), not to mention his ongoing Speech Therapy that remains weekly/biweekly appointments, and his actual "well-child" from his pediatrician.  We are at the beginning of all our yearly appt.s but got some slightly good news today from the Nephrologist (kidney specialist) that I didn't want to wait to share!

Drum Roll please....Cam's kidney grew a little bit!  It still isn't near the size they want it to be, and still shows no signs of Hypertrophy (compensating growth) for only being born with one kidney.  It is good news because last year he was worried that it was done growing.  We can hope and pray for continued growth.  His kidney function score didn't get any lower also!  It scores 85-90 which is just below the low normal standards (normal being 120).  It's not great...but it didn't get any worse, so we are thrilled!

What really kills me with this little trooper is his awesome attitude.  When the nurse asked him to pee in a cup today, he giggled and said, "sure" in an adorable little 5 yr old voice not pronouncing the "r".  He lays perfectly still as they are doing the Ultra Sound on his tummy and back until they have all the images they want.  He had to have his blood drawn twice in the last month and he didn't cry either time.  I don't know if it's worse than when I used to have to hold him down while he cried as they drew his blood.  I am glad that he has developed a tolerance and it doesn't upset him anymore.  But, it stings a little that he has had to endure it so often that it doesn't even phase him anymore.  No five year old should be ok with needles entering the veins! (Again, it really could be so much worse for him!)  We will enjoy this time when it's just follow up appt.s to make sure everything is ok, and continue to pray the appt.s always remain that way!

Hugs and kisses from this kid...truly fill my soul!  I love him to pieces and I'm so grateful to have him as mine.  I'm one of the lucky ones:)

The Resurrection

I was 26 when I became a widow.  I had 3 young sons and a baby on the way.  Jax was 6, Josh was 3 and Jordy was just 1 year old.  Our world was crushed in an instant and we were left holding the pieces trying to figure out how to put it all back together.  It’s been over 10 years and I find everyday that this is still a learning process for us.

As I ponder the life of Jesus Christ, his atonement, his death, and his resurrection I am truly inspired.  I have a testimony of my Savior and I love him completely.  I find great comfort and strength in his atoning sacrifice for my sins and my sorrows.  It is the only thing that could have saved me, and has gotten me through this trial of grief and loss.  Recently in a meeting at church the question was asked, “Why does having a testimony of the resurrection bring you feelings of hope and determination?”  The word determination was so interesting to think about.  A story from my past came flooding back into my mind.  The spirit was so overwhelming when I answered that question in my heart.  

It was a mild spring day in March of 2004.  It had only been a few weeks since we had buried the love of our lives.  I say lives because, my boys loved their Daddy completely.  The loss they felt was to their core.  They cried everyday for their Daddy to come back.  I decided to take my boys up to visit the cemetery where their Daddy had been buried.  The grass had recently been laid and anyone that saw it would know that someone recently lost their life and had been laid to rest there.  I parked the car and we all walked slowly over to the spot in the grass that was our Daddy’s.  I sat down while my kids looked around and played for a minute.  I wasn't prepared for what was coming next and I will never forget it.


Josh who was 3 years old came over to Jake’s grave.  He got down on his knees and began to talk to his Dad.  “Daddy please tell Jesus that he needs to come back down now so you can come back too.”  He looked at me with sadness in his eyes, but also a little hope. Tears rolled down his tiny cheeks.  He said it again but this time he put his hands down on the ground and put his face very close to the grass so his Daddy could hear him better.  “Please, daddy, Please." he pleaded.  "Tell Jesus it’s time to come back so you can be alive again.  I miss you and you need to come back now.”  I couldn't hide the tears in my eyes as I tried to explain to my 3 year old little boy that even though we wished Daddy could come back to life it wasn’t time yet.  He sobbed in my arms and asked me if we could just dig him up to make sure.

I wanted Jake to come back too.  My heart ached for him and I felt that I couldn’t live another day without him.  How could I explain to my three year old what I didn't understand either?  I shared every sob and irrational thought that my little children had.  We wanted him back, we needed him, we couldn't survive with out him.  It was time for Jesus to come back so we could be relieved of this awful pain and misery that was our existence now.

     
      We left the cemetery that day empty handed.  Even with the prayer's and plea's of a little boy that needed his Daddy.  Jake didn’t come back to life and come home with us like we so desperately wanted.  We have left the cemetery dozens of times since then, every time empty handed. 

I think about Mary going to mourn for Christ at his tomb and finding it empty and I can imagine how she felt.  I am sure at first the feelings were close to panic wondering where he was and who had taken him.  I am not sure, however that I can even comprehend her feelings when she heard the words, “He is not here, for he is Risen”.


So back to that question- "“Why does having a testimony of the resurrection bring you feelings of hope and determination?”  My testimony of the Resurrection gives me hope, because I know that one day we won’t leave the cemetery empty handed. The pleadings of a 3 year old little boy will finally be answered. The words, “He is not here, for he is risen” will apply to all of us, and there will be no more grief and mourning in our hearts.  It gives me determination to live my life following the teachings of Christ and enduring to the end so that I will be worthy to have the blessings of an eternal family when that day comes.  The Gospel of Jesus Christ is true.  The Savior died for us and took upon himself the sins and sorrows of the world.  He was resurrected and I know that one day we will all be resurrected as well.  
    
       The amazing thing about God's plan for opposition in all things is that when you have been through excruciating pain and anguish you know that one day you will experience exceedingly great joy and happiness that is equal to the pain you felt.  This day for me will be the day that my family is reunited, all of us together again, forever.

My Name is Julie and I have a testimony of the Resurrection that gives me hope and determination!

I built my Self-Worth upon the sand...

One of the first major lessons I learned after Jake died was a lesson in Self Worth.  

When I was a young girl and a teenager I had a terrible self-esteem.  I had a great family, great upbringing and very loving parents.  But, I still thought I was worthless and that no one liked me.  I judged every part of myself.  I hated my freckles and my skin.  My hair was "dishwater blonde"...why do people call it this or "dirty blonde"?!...those are not nice things to say to a young girl.  Especially when she has beautiful red headed sister's that got complimented everywhere we went. (No, I'm not jealous of their hair at all;)  I thought I was fat, and ugly, and the list went on and on.  I don't think I am alone in this issue.  I would dare say most young people struggle with their self image and self worth.  I know that not everyone does...because I have one son who was born with the best self esteem ever.  I take no credit for it as his Mother, he was born that way!  

The first experience I had that strengthened my testimony was in 8th grade.  I was sitting on my waterbed crying.  I was saying a prayer about how no one like me and I was being pretty harsh on myself.  I felt so alone and very sad.  I decided to try something I learned in Young Women's.  "If you ever need answers from your Heavenly Father, hold your scriptures and let them open on their own and then read the first scripture your eyes look at."  I wasn't sure it would work, but I tried it.  I said a quick prayer that I would find something in the scriptures that would help me feel better.  I held them on my lap and let them fall open.  I read the first scripture that I saw.

D&C 18:10   Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;

My eyes filled with tears and I started to cry.  I never expected to have such an amazing instant answer to prayer.  I was filled with a sense of love and peace, knowing that my Heavenly Father loved me.  He loved me enough to answer my prayer and also enough to tell me personally that in His sight my soul was great.  I thanked my Heavenly Father for hearing and answering my prayers.  I will never forget that experience, it was the first major testimony builder in my life.  

Even with that sweet message and reminder I struggled with self worth through High School.  I would have to often remind myself of that experience and go back and read that scripture.  When I met and married Jake my self worth seemed to get stronger.  I loved being a wife, and I thought that I was pretty good at it.  Jake was a very easy person to be married too and this made me think I was a pretty good wife.  He was a very good husband.  I was told daily how beautiful, smart, kind, loving, and amazing I was.  Jake filled me up.  He made me who I was.  I was a good person because of Jake.  His love made me better everyday.  I loved being a Mom and he made me feel like I was the best Mom a little boy could have.  He complimented me always and Never and I mean Never criticized  me.  I know that seems like a lie, but it's not.  In fact, about a month before Jake died I asked him why he never got mad at me or found fault with me.  His response, "If I have a problem with something you are doing, it's not your problem, it's mine.  I just deal with it and move on."  (This statement is profound in many ways and maybe points to why he was done proving himself on this earth.  Can you imagine if more people in the world thought this way!)  But I challenged him on this telling him that "if he holds it all in, he will one day just explode!".  He simply responded with, "No I won't, because it's never stays an issue.".  That gives you an idea of why he gave me a good self esteem.  When I was down on myself he would spend hours telling me how amazing I was and everything he loved about me.  Jake gave me my self worth.  Everything that was good about me was because of him!  This was great...while it lasted.

When Jake died, so did I.  All that was good and kind about me, all of my faith was drained out of me.  I was filled up with pain, sorrow and grief.  It was all consuming.  I had felt pretty because of Jake, I was faithful because of Jake, I was kind because of Jake, I was a good mom because of Jake, and I had worth because I was Jake's wife.  My self worth had been defined by my relationship with Jake, and now he was dead.  

A couple months after Jake died I was asked to speak in Stake Conference on "Overcoming Trials".  I was not overcoming any trial at this time.  I was being swallowed whole by this trial.  I was in a fog of grief that left me hopeless in a downward spiral of misery. This opportunity to speak sent me to my knees in prayer and I was quite honest with Heavenly Father.  I prayed, "if you want me to talk about overcoming trials, you better start helping me to overcome this misery!"  This was a blessing in disguise that I will always be thankful for.  The speaking assignment truly opened me up for the inspiration and revelation that I needed to start my road to healing and see a pathway through the fog.   It also gave me the inspiration and awareness that I needed to rebuild my self worth.

As women and girls we often define our value in our relationships.  If we have a good relationship with our children we must be good moms...and if we have a strained relationship, we must not be good moms.  If our marriage is strong we must be good wives, but if it's struggling (even if it's an issue our husband is struggling with) then we must not be good enough.  It was something we did to cause his issues.  We build up ourselves through the relationship with others when they are good, and we tear ourselves down when they need work. I don't think very many men understand this reality.  If our marriages are struggling, we are almost always struggling with our own self worth because of that.  Men tend to define their value in their careers, their success' or failures, their hobbies and interests, and I dare say even the way their favorite sports team is playing;) (meant for my husband to read, haha)  This is a generalization and doesn't apply to everyone, but I think a lot of people do this.

In my church we have a program for our youth.  The Young Women's and Young Men's programs.  The Young Women recite their theme each week at the beginning of our meeting.  The first line states:

We are daughter's of our Heavenly Father who loves us, and we love Him. 

This teaches a very valuable lesson.  We are all daughters and sons of a Heavenly Father that loves us.  We are all important to Him personally.  I repeated this statement every week for years, but I didn't learn the importance of it until Jake died.

My self worth should never have been placed upon any person that lives on this earth.  There is nothing and no one that can be constant and never leave us.  The only person that we can build our self worth upon that will never leave us alone or let us down is our Heavenly Father.  Even people we love and that seem to love us completely can betray us, let us down, lie to us, or by no fault of their own just die.  The only sure thing in this life is the love and support of Heavenly Father, and Jesus Christ.  We have to build our self worth on them.  "The foolish man built his house upon the sand, and the wise man built his house upon a rock." I didn't see building my self worth on Jake as foolish, in fact, I don't think I was even aware that I was doing that.  But when the rains came pouring down, my self worth was washed away and I was forced to figure out how to rebuild.  I learned to build my self worth upon a rock.  The worth of souls is great in the sight of God.  I am a good person because I am a Daughter of God.  If I build my self worth on His love for me and all the potential He sees in me, I can begin to trust that and believe in myself. I have to remind myself of this lesson often.  The voices in my head or of those around me in the world can try and "rain" down on my self worth to weaken it.  If I stay true to who I am and can keep my foundation built upon my Heavenly Father my self worth can never be drained out of me again.

My name is Julie and I am a Daughter of God who loves me, and I love Him.

Our Pilot EARNED his Wings!

In October our family had a trip planned for a family member's wedding.  We would be flying from Utah to Florida and staying for six days.  We had planned for it to be Curtis, six of our ten kids and myself.  Curtis' new company ended up being ready to do it's first launch while we would be gone so he made the decision to stay behind.  I would be traveling with six kids alone, two kids having special needs, a two year old, and three good helpers.  I am used to traveling alone with the kids so I knew we would have some challenges, but with a lot of planning, organizing, and patience we would have a great time.  

The kids did great.  The first of the trip went better than expected.  By the middle of the trip the kids were having typical issues but still overall they were doing really well.  We had Cam wearing his sensory headphones so that he could enjoy the theme parks without all the extra noise.  I have learned little tricks that help Jordy as well to make it through a day without having a meltdown or major behavior issues.  I was very grateful that we had saved our "Autism is my Superpower" and "I am 22q" shirts for the boys to wear on the last 2 days.  Both Cam and Jordy look like "typical" kids, so if I know we may have problems I will have them wear those shirts.  They both love their shirts and are always excited when I let them wear them.  They help bring awareness to Autism and 22q, and they help people be a little more patient with us.

On our flight home we had a layover.  The first flight was long, and we were all tired and a little stressed.  I was ready to be home.  

Jordy has been obsessed with airplanes since he was very little. We talk often about what job he could have when he is older at the airport. When we were boarding our last flight of the trip I was trying to collapse the strollers and organize the little kids and car seats. Jordy walked ahead of the rest of us and boarded the plane (wearing his Autism is my superpower shirt). As I shuffled the other kids behind him onto the plane he was talking to the pilot. He is a question master and asks everyone he comes in contact a million questions...he had done it to all the flight crews. Well, this crew was different than the other crews. The pilot asked me what row we were sitting in and then asked me if he could keep Jordy while everyone boarded the plane. He told me he would make sure he got Jordy back to me before we took off.  I agreed...I admit I was a little confused and then amazed when the pilot took Jordy into the cockpit. We were among the first to board the plane so it took quite sometime for everyone to board. During the boarding process we heard a voice come over the intercom, "Hello everyone, we would like to welcome you on the plane today."   It was Jordy. 

Just before we were about to take off Jordy was returned to our seats with the biggest smile he has ever had! "They showed me how to work the controllers and fly the plane and where the seat belt on and off switch was and where they land and where they talk to all the people and I didn't think I would want to be a flyer of the planes, but now I know that I want to be a flyer because now I know how." Jordy said proudly.  He said it was probably better than Disney World. It was the best flight of Jordy's life!

After the flight I asked the pilot if I could get his picture with Jordy and he said, "If we are going to do a picture, then let's do it right!" He took us into the cockpit again and gave Jordy his hat, sat him in the pilot's seat and he sat and talked with us for another 5 mins.  He told Jordy that he could do anything he wanted to do in life. I was overcome by this simple kind act and had to try and hold back my emotions.

A lot of the time people have a hard time being around Autistic kids. Sometimes they are very helpful and try to accommodate however they can. And then, there are the very few who get it...and just by being kind, and going a little out of their way, they make a little boys dream come true.  Our Frontier Airlines pilot, earned his wings that day.  It was the best finish to a vacation we have ever had, and the best flight I have ever had with my kids!

Follow me on my Facebook page!

Who's the Boss? Our experience in talking back to OCD...

I had seen signs of OCD in a couple of my kids very early on.  Nothing to extreme, but little hints of it were there.  They didn't like the "silky" way their hands felt after eating greasy chips, or wouldn't pick things up with their hands if they were dirty.  The first time it really knocked the wind out of me was when Josh was 4 years old.  He came running inside to tell me that he had made a picture with chalk for me outside on the sidewalk.  I stepped out my front door to see the picture my son was so proud to show me, but found a heartbreaking reality instead.  I saw a picture drawn with two stick figures holding hands, a Mom and her son.  But that wasn't all...it had a big circle around it and then a big "X" to cross it out.  As I walked down the 30 foot walkway in front of our home I saw the exact same picture drawn over and over, all with a big circle around them and then crossed out. At the end of the sidewalk remained a picture exactly the same as all the others, but it wasn't crossed out.  Josh said to me in his 4 yr old voice, "The other pictures weren't good enough for you, but now there's no more sidewalk, so I like this one."  I took him in my arms and told him how much I loved all the pictures he drew for me, and quickly wiped away my tears before he could see them.   Josh was 3 when his Dad died and he had really struggled with it.  We had been working on therapy, but this was the first moment that I realized we may have a serious problem.

When Josh was in Second grade however, I became a big fan of OCD.  My therapist had told me that a person with OCD will always struggle with different OCD tendencies so if it surfaced in a healthy behavior it was ok to just go with it, unless it became detrimental.  If it is a positive thing for the child then don't worry too much about fixing it.  Well,  Josh became obsessed with a reading challenge at school that the principal gave.  He wanted every child to read 100 hours during the school year.  When Josh started 2nd grade he was a little below grade level.  His OCD took hold of this challenge and I let it go.  He began reading an hour or more every night.  He would ask me to pause his minutes if he needed a bathroom break or a drink.  He was determined to be the first kid in school to finish.  He ended up being the second kid in school to finish and was done with his 100 hours by November.  He told Grandpa one weekend that he couldn't come visit because he needed to read 7 hours over the weekend.  My Dad called and said he was concerned I was expecting too much out of him and that no 2nd grader should have to read that much over a weekend.  I explained that he had the next 6 months to read those 7 hours and it was Josh's deadline...not mine.  After he finished the challenge the next time they tested his reading level he was at a 6th grade reading level.  He is in 8th grade now and continues to test off the charts in reading.  It took him from the bottom of the class to the top.  Thanks to his hard work...and OCD.

Josh won a writing contest a few months after the reading challenge!

The last year however, OCD became my worst enemy.  Jordy, my autistic son struggles with a lot of things.  One of them being severe anxiety and OCD.  He has had a fear since he could talk that the police would come and take him.  He would panic when he heard sirens that they must be coming for him.  He would be fearful that he was breaking laws constantly.  It was something we had dealt with his entire life, so I got very used to telling him that, "Police never take children.  They are here to help us and protect us and if he was lost they would help him find me, but never take him away from me."  It was routine conversation.  Well, in November of 2012 there was an increase in his asking again.  He also started repetitively praying and repenting throughout the day.  It became frequent enough I went in to the school to ask the teacher if he was praying at school as well.  She responded with "To be perfectly honest, I haven't noticed we have had so many problems with "Johnny" (not his real name) this week it has taken all of my focus."  I asked what kind of problems and her response felt like I had been kicked in the stomach.  "Well, he has been so out of control that we have had to have the police come and remove him from the classroom twice.  He was attacking other children and the staff as well."  I couldn't believe it.  During that week I probably told Jordy 100 times that, "Police never take children".  He couldn't communicate what he had been seeing at school that week.  So the trust that Jordy once had in me was gone.  *Police DO take children, they actually come into your classroom and take you away and put handcuffs on you!  So Mom is either lying to me or she is just dumb!* 

We tried to recover the situation, by explaining why they needed to take Johnny, and that they didn't take him to jail.  They just took him to help him calm down and he is still with his family.  Part of the problem was Jordy identified with Johnny.  They went to speech and resource together and had some similar problems.  *What if I am bad like Johnny?*  Johnny was hitting and kicking the women staff members.  *What if I hit or kick a girl, I could go to jail, and then I won't live with Heavenly Father.* 

By February OCD had won.  Jordy's usual techniques of asking me if he was going to jail would no longer soothe his fear of police.  He began asking EVERY girl, or women he saw, "Did I kick you? Did I hit you?" even if he wasn't even near them.  He asked strangers in the grocery store, every visitor that came to our house, everyone at church, every little girl at school, every teacher and staff member at school.  He prayed immediately after asking his questions.  So that is how we lived until we could get into therapy.  He asked his questions, and then prayed,  ALL DAY long, EVERYDAY.

In the first few weeks while waiting I tried to use some of the techniques they use in helping autism behaviors, and that only made it worse.  He began asking if he was holding up his middle finger.  He stopped using his hands and kept them straight and stiff to be sure that he didn't hold up his middle finger.  He added that to his routine questions, "Did I hit you, did I kick you, did I hold up my middle finger, did I say a bad word?"  Those were the only words he used for 3 months.  When he was in the middle of a baseball game he would take his hat off while on second base in between plays and pray.  He would step out of the batter box in between pitches, take off his helmet and pray.  He paced back and forth during class mumbling prayers to himself and asking the other kids his repeated questions.  We took a 5 hour road trip during this time and Jordy literally asked his questions every minute.  The longest time he sat silently was maybe 30 seconds, and when he took those small breaks it was to repent...just in case.  When Jordy was in a situation that he couldn't ask his questions he would have to pray constantly.  He would sit during an hour long church meeting and pray.  He would finish a prayer look up and look around and then he would pray again, the entire service.  He struggled to eat and drink because he didn't want to put up his middle finger.  I remember him trying to get a drink from his cup using his wrists to pick it up and bring it to his mouth.  He didn't want to wave hello to people or write in class because of the fear that his middle finger would flip someone off.  It was completely debilitating in all aspects of his life. It CONSUMED him.

High functioning Autism can be referred to as an "invisible disability" at times.  People don't know right away that there is something affecting your child.  This has it's pro's and con's.  Well, Jordy's invisible disability was no longer invisible.  Everyone that came in contact knew immediately that he was a little boy that was struggling.  The only word I could use to describe what he was going through was SUFFERING.  I can't count the amount of tears I shed over watching him suffer.  He needed therapy, and help fast, and yet it took weeks, even a few months to get into a therapist that could help him start to heal.

This is how he held his hands all the time:(

When you start therapy for OCD this bad it is a very slow and delicate process.  If you push too hard, too fast it can back fire and make the OCD much worse.  With the correct therapy techniques we started making some progress.  Our therapist was awesome, she helped Jordy realize that it was "OCD bossing him around" and he didn't have to listen to it.  We came up with tools for him to use and key words I could say in response to his unending questions.  We made visuals for him to tape to his desk at school so that his aide, or the kids around him could remind him to use his tools when he starting asking them.  It was a group effort for all our family, friends, church members, and the staff at the school.  I will never forget the day that Jordy talked with our Bishop at church.  Jordy came out of his office with a huge smile on his face.  "Look Mom, he gave me a shiny rock and it says REMEMBER on it.  The Bishop told me that every time I think I need to repent he said I can remember that Bishop Peterson said I don't have to repent all the time."  I started bawling and couldn't even get the words out to thank him properly.  When I told our therapist the story, she started to cry as well.

Watching Jordy suffer with OCD was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with as a Mother.  It broke my heart everyday.  I remember the first time we drove home from baseball practice and he went the entire 5 minutes without asking me his questions.  Even better was that he told me about all the things they did in practice that day.  I remember thinking, 'this is the first conversation I have had with him in 3 months'.  It felt like a miracle.  We spent several months doing intense therapy for him.  They even considered putting him in a day program for an option, because he was struggling so much at school.  The school Psychologist said it was the worst case of OCD he had ever seen a child deal with.  Therapy started working and Jordy slowly began to boss back OCD.  We went from 2 therapy appointments a week down to one, and eventually every other week.  It was a process that took us over a year.  As we were driving to his last therapy appointment a couple weeks ago he said to me, "Mom, it just feels so good that I don't feel like I have to repent all the time anymore".  Jordy's therapist gave him a certificate to celebrate his hard work at taking control of his life back.  She is also ready for that call if we need her again.

Who's the Boss?  Jordy is the Boss!!!

OCD is so debilitating at times, and yet can be a powerful tool in people's lives as well.  I am grateful that I have more awareness of when OCD is trying to "boss" my kids around and more tools to help them boss it back!

*These are just my experiences, and I know that everyone has a different view of things.  I am not a therapist, just a Mom that is doing her best to navigate through my children's struggles and triumphs.


**Follow me on my Facebook page!